Christmas Songs You Do NOT Want to Hear

13 12 2007

Awful, worse, and dreadful are the best adjectives for the Christmas songs on this blog.

Preface: My wife recently posted a cool blog listing her 40 favorite versions of Christmas Songs (see the link on my sidebar). That got the wheels of my strange brain rolling. What are the worst yuletide songs ever? There are three Christmas songs that will absolutely NOT put you in the appropriate holiday spirit. They are:

1. “Christmas Constipation (Aunt Harriet’s Cheese Ball)” Think, “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” with abdominal cramps added. I think this song may have been sponsored by the NAOPG (National Association of Prune Growers) in the 1950s. My advice…stay far away from this recording. You want your Christmas music to be moving, not unmoving. While you’re at it, you might want to avoid cheese balls as well.

2. “Pissy the Yellow Snowman” Sure, it’s important to let your kids know what snow is edible and what snow is not. However, can’t we do this without involving the holidays? If I HAD to listen to this song, it seems like the most appropriate person to sing it would be R. Kelly.

3. “Parade of the Wooden Toy Politicians” This one seems to pop up every four years or so. If you’re lucky, you can just hibernate until the next election is over. If not, get some ear plugs. One good thing about this song was the clever way they rhymed filibuster with stocking stuffer.

Merry Christmas, and I wish good music upon you.