How To Be a Terrible Emailer

11 02 2008

Just follow the simple steps below, and you’ll be well on your way to joining the ranks of awful emailers across the world! We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all been tempted to send a rage filled polite response saying, “Please don’t email me. I mean it.”

It’s very exciting when one gets their first email account with visions of love notes and fun pictures and messages from family and friends filling one’s inbox. It does not take long before one realizes that many other forms of email (and I’m not even talking about actual spam) begin trickling in and eventually clogging up space like nacho cheese in an artery.

Have you ever wanted to be the one sending these instead of receiving? Look no further. This is what you do.

1. Send A LOT (I mean try to hit all of your family, friends and coworkers at least once per week) of forwards of the following:

a) Adorable photos of kittens/and or stranger’s babies making funny faces.

b) Good luck chain emails that promise a check for $44 billion will come by mail in the next month as long as the recipient bothers sends it to all of their friends.

c) Scary warning emails that let the recipients know something extremely terrible will happen to them (like a flesh-eating disease) if they do not forward it to all of their friends. It’s nice to put a little personal note at the top saying, “I doubt this is true, but I sent it to you just in case. Keep the chain going! Oh, and how’s your family?”

2. Be EXTREMELY dramatic even in your relatively trivial emails by USING LOTS OF CAPS. Here is an example: “WOW, I can NOT BELIEVE my JERK of a boss told me I HAVE TO STAY a few minutes late TOMORROW. DO YOU THINK I SHOULD QUIT??” Everyone will understand how important this subject is to you, and they will be sure to respond in a serious and timely manner.

3. You can cuss a lot and even cuss at people as long you cutely misspell the curse word. All are sure to get a kick out of this. Plus, no one can really be angry at you for calling them an “azz.” (Related to this, if you are 18 or younger be sure you send emails that look like this: “hElLO PeoPLez. I’m DoiN’ GoOd. How ARe YouZ PeePz DoiN? ScHOol is MaD AweSoMe DiS YeAr.” Everyone really, really enjoys getting emails like this.)

4. When someone has sent you an email asking a question, wait at least two weeks before giving them a vague response. Even more importantly, make sure your email settings are such that your reply will be sent without the original email question visible. This will make for a good time when the person gets your late response that says, “Yeah, that sounds good.” They’ll be searching through their old sent messages trying to figure out just what sounds good. It’ll be just like a treasure hunt for them!

5. Send very short emails to your friends. Keep it simple. Put, “How’s it going?” This takes you only seconds while at the same time asking your friends to send a much longer, more interesting email back to you. Score! They won’t be able to just say, “Fine” because they’ll know that could sound as though they are angry or are being sarcastic. It’s a win-win for you.

6. Send emails about a funny video you saw on the internet. Talk about how hilarious it is and how the recipient would love it. Here’s the key: Don’t send the actual link. Just describe the video and say, “I think I saw it on Yahoo or something.” Everyone has spare time to go look for videos themselves so they will not mind. (I know for a fact this works as I just did it to a nephew this week.)

Bonus: Another way to be a very popular emailer is to have an email address, tell people the address, and then warn them that you “hardly ever” actually check it. This will put them in the position of wanting to email you and then second-guessing whether you’ll actually see it in the next month. This one seems to be popular with those who are 40 and older and leads to frivolity all around! They are the same ones who can’t figure out how to work their dvd players.

Happy emailing, everyone!

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I Must Be Doing Something Wrong: Hot Moms in Showers, and Demons Among Us

31 01 2008

I enjoy reading blogs about the weird search terms that have lead people to the pages of others. So, here is my own installment. It’s not pretty, and it makes me think I’m not writing about good, wholesome topics. Will I be sorry when my blog is pulled up on my judgment day? Yikes. Maybe I need more blogs that I can tag as religion.

I say this because people are NOT finding my page by searching for the following tags:

“Jesus Loves Me”

“Trying to be a good Dad”

“Work Hard and Be a Nice Person”

Let’s just say I seem to be attracting a different sort of searcher. In the past month, the following internet searches have somehow brought poor souls to my page:

“Banging ex-girlfriends in 2008” – Why 2008? Is it the official year of boning exes on the Chinese Calender?

“Wolf face” – Ever since I wrote about my experience with a wolf spider, this one has come up several times. Sorry for those of you looking for info on the wolf man. A spider is not quite as exciting. (Makes me think I should make up a blog about how I was lost in the mountains for days until being saved by a guy who was half-wolf…I’ll have to think about that one. Wait, I’ll make it a she-wolf; that should also satisfy some of those who search for things like the next one.)

“Nasty sick mudbath sex video” – To my knowledge, I have no (public) blogs about mudbaths or sex videos, but I’m sure glad you stopped by.

“Giant wieners” – I’m flattered.

“Demons among people” – If I start to get comments from someone named Beelzebub, Brimstone Mommy or Hades Dude, I think I should delete them (unless they are one of my top referrers, of course.)

“My Dad saw me naked – I’m a girl!” – Poor thing. I’m afraid my writing would only further traumatize you.

“What female age groups still wear pantyhose?” – I don’t know, but I’d be fascinated to hear the stats.

“How women should ride on top” – I’m thinking if the person has to search for instructions, they aren’t ready for this type of thing yet.

“Hot Moms being spied on in the shower” – Are you talking about my wife? Must go check bathroom ceiling for spy cams. That last plumber was in there a long time…

To ensure that I continue to get weird searchers to my page, I’m going to add some odd phrases now. Lathered Llamas, intoxicated in a cab and craving donuts, how many people would fit in the average crane, why doesn’t the sun explode already, I have extra fingers, can I buy people on the internet, disturbing video of naked crazy animals, using lettuce as a hat. And lastly, to my loyal wolf face searchers, here you go: