Worst Photo Blog Ever

12 08 2008

I’m feeling inspired to post a photo blog. I thoroughly enjoyed my wife’s pictorial post documenting her weekly bicycle rides. (Truth be told, she is gone so long that I asked her to take pictures to prove that’s what she is really doing. When your wife is as beautiful as she is, you really have to keep tabs.) Editor’s note: If you are the type of person who took that last sentence seriously and plans to leave a comment about how awful controlling husbands are, you are visiting the wrong blog.

I also enjoyed my friend Nathalie’s recent post where she attempted to heal me through the power of Hooters’ girls. While I’m sure no post of mine can “stack” up to that one, I wanted to post one anyway.

There are two main obstacles to posting such a blog.

1. I don’t really take very many pictures.

2. The pictures I do take usually suck.

I found two ways around these problems.

1. I decided to post a photo blog that could possibly be the worst photo blog ever posted and one that surely no one will find interesting. (Wow, that should get me on the wordpress front page.) By setting such a low standard, I can finally feel free to put a photo blog here.

2. I decided that I would only post pictures taken by my 3-year-old daughter. By using her as a blatant scapegoat, I can easily deflect any negative comments by assuring myself, “They aren’t criticizing me; they are criticizing my daughter.”

So, the imp, as my wife calls her, spent an afternoon taking pictures of whatever she pleased while lugging around an out-dated digital camera. (You know I’m getting old when it seems funny to put “out-dated” next to “digital” in a sentence. I’m just getting past the Polaroid stage. Those old Polaroids were fun to shake, ala Outkast, even though they said you didn’t need to do that. )

At long last and at the risk of losing any readers I might have once garnered, here are the pics.

Dog’s Eye View

She wanted to capture what the dog sees.  Pretty clever that she blurred it a bit to reflect that fact that our dog is up there in years and surely doesnt see as well anymore.
She wanted to capture what the dog sees. Pretty clever that she blurred it a bit to reflect the fact that our dog is up there in years and surely doesn’t see as well anymore.

Starving for Nutrients

I believe she wanted to make a statement about the poor diets of children in this country.  This grotesque close-up of chicken nuggets says it all.
I believe she wanted to make a statement about the poor diets of children in this country. This grotesque close-up of chicken nuggets says it all.

What Matters Most

I was touched when at first I thought she was taking a picture of our family pictures.  Then I realized, she was taking a picture of something far dearer to her heart...the t.v. remote control.
I was touched when at first I thought she was taking a picture of our family pictures. Then I realized, she was taking a picture of something far dearer to her heart…the t.v. remote control.

My Way

Ive tried and tried to convince her that she cannot run her fastest wearing rain boots.  She still insists on playing baseball in them and documents her stubborn ways here.
I’ve tried and tried to convince her that she cannot run very fast wearing rain boots. She still insists on playing baseball in them and documents her stubborn ways here with bat and boots plainly visible. Or perhaps I misinterpret. This could be a representation of the sadness one feels when a baseball game is delayed by rain. Hmm…very deep.

The Cookie Crumbles

When asked to photograph her three favorite things besides the remote, I was hoping she would pick me, Mom and the dog.  However, she chose a sippy cup, mysterious sack and the cookie jar.
When asked to photograph her three favorite things (not counting the remote), I was hoping she would pick me, Mom and the dog. However, she chose a sippy cup, a mysterious sack and the cookie jar. Note her use of finger blockage to add an ominous feel to the photo.

Steaming Mad at Dirt

She used this opportunity to find grime and grease that is so much more noticeable from a childs height.  She is obviously disgusted by her surroundings.
She used this opportunity to find grime and grease that is so much more noticeable from a child’s height. She is obviously disgusted by her surroundings.

Fit of Rage

She spent hours setting up this particular shot, meant to portray her feelings when given a time out for screaming at her parents.
She spent hours setting up this particular shot, meant to portray her feelings when given a time out for screaming at her parents.

Contrast

Since she is not throwing fits 100% of the time, she thought it best to also document the lighter moments with her toys and toes.
Since she is not throwing fits 100% of the time, she thought it best to also document the lighter moments with her toys and her toe.

Oh, the Ear-rony

She just loves irony.  How fitting to photograph the word ear when one sees rather than hears a photograph.  Wow, that just blew my mind.
She just loves irony. How fitting to photograph the word ear when one sees rather than hears a photograph. Wow, that just blew my mind.

Work Stoppage Atrocity

Just when a kid gets on a roll, a parent comes to steal the camera.

Just when a kid gets on a roll, a parent comes to steal the camera.

These photos are copyrighted by Bad Blog Inc. and may not be used without the express written consent of someone semi-important. This is done for no particular reason since no one would want to re-publish any of these photos in any capacity.

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13 responses

12 08 2008
pamajama

You are a master of the brilliant blog entry. How you were able to write such funny stuff next to such innocuous pictures — plus, get your wife to allow that shot of the stove — amazing!

12 08 2008
soapboxdiva

These photos make me feel a lot better. So my stainless steel appliances aren’t the only ones that look like that. No matter how many times I have cleaned them, I come back in the kitchen and it is all over the place! Must be my husband using them..lol!

Pam is right….your descriptions were excellent. You and your wife are well-suited. You both have a way with words! Yet, in very different and interesting ways!

12 08 2008
nathaliewithanh

I’m so glad my Hooter girl fun bags inspired you to put a camera in your daughter’s hands (?!?) I hope you realize you may be condemning yourself to buying her very expensive camera equipment in the future. Horses and photography must always be avoided!

Very fun idea! I like the stratagem of using a child to fend off criticism. I had never thought about it. Genius! The photograph of the three favorite things cracked me up. We count for so little. Well, you do. I do not mean to rain on your swollen parade, but er, she preferred a plastic bag to you. That’s a little sad. She used finger blockage too, my friend. Ominous…

12 08 2008
alntv

Nice composition. Interesting lighting. Obviously you are making a statement in regards to the state of our country. I see some anger management issues in there. With streaks of hope and flair. Nicely done. I think you have a very bright future in artistic photography…

12 08 2008
maleesha

this was awesome. i have to agree though…allison is NOT going to be happy that you posted that stove picture. I am sure it was your fault it was messy though.

13 08 2008
Taoist Biker

You could take the “rage” photo to a gallery and sell it. No doubt.

13 08 2008
Catie

Priceless! Every last one of them, a work of sheer brilliance.

13 08 2008
mel

Hahahahaha! Great bad blog. 🙂

15 08 2008
Sarah

Brilliant! Contact art galleries, I believe you have a photographic genius on your hands. I know people, let me know if you need help. 🙂

16 08 2008
epicurienne

It’s safe to say we don’t have to wonder what your daughter is going to be when she grows up. If the photography doesn’t pan out, she has a great future as a health & hygiene inspector.

16 08 2008
epicurienne

Ooops, I now realise how that sounds. Sorry. I’m too sarcastic for my own good sometimes. It’s just that the comment with the oven photo made me giggle.

No problem…I’m as sarcastic as they come! 🙂

30 08 2008
bookbabie

Your daughter is darling and is nearly as talented as that elephant who paints portraits.

27 10 2008
kimiam

This was adorable!

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