Guys: Top 8 Ways We Enrage Women

7 07 2008

Women. I love them. They are amazing, creative, resourceful, beautiful beings. I’ve been fortunate in my life to somehow charm a handful of them who, for some reason or another, thought I was better than I actually am. This has culminated in the crowning achievement of my life: Being married to this woman.

Life with a woman is certainly much better than life without. However, there are times when men and women mix about as well as a dried-up tent filled with fireworks and a lit, gasoline-soaked rag. Guys seem to have an innate ability to make women angry. It has been my experience that there are actually 4,523 ways to tick off a female, but there are eight (call them deadly guy sins, if you like) that consistently get their panties in a twist.

1. Other Women: Guys like to check out women in restaurants, at church, in the grocery, on the street, at the gym, and at parties and events (yes, even cute moms at kids’ birthday parties). Face it: Guys like to look at women, period. This can really irk the woman you happen to be with, even though you really like to look at her, too. In fact, you probably can remember the first time you ogled her with an unhealthy lust in your heart. Still, nothing seems to get us into more trouble. We can try explaining how we just can’t help ourselves, but it doesn’t seem to calm the storm that makes up the emotions of a female. Since giving up this hobby is not an option, there are several ways guys can at least lessen the likelihood of a full-blown argument.

  • Pick the appropriate time and place. You might get away with a quick glance at a beautiful woman when you’re at a Halloween costume party. Your wife/girlfriend is probably in the right state of mind to understand that you’re going to look at the woman from down the street who is dressed in the French Maid costume. It sort of goes with the territory. However, a long stare at your wife’s cute third cousin at a funeral for your wife’s great aunt is not going to go over well.
  • Don’t stop and stare in an obvious, guy-like manner. Use either the “extreme eye slide” where only your eyes and not your head move in the direction of the other female or the “tie your shoe and sneak a peak” maneuver in which you crouch down and pretend to tie/fix/wipe something off your shoe while quickly looking in the direction of the woman in tight shorts a few feet away. These won’t actually fool your mate, but she MIGHT appreciate the fact that you at least tried to be subtle.
  • Under no circumstances do you ever look at another woman when your wife/girlfriend is pregnant, menstruating, recovering from some sort of facial surgery, or has just eaten dessert and is therefore feeling “huge” and unattractive. During these periods, you just have to fight the urge. For those of you who feel you are in a relationship with a woman who is always in one of the aforementioned states, you’re just out of luck.

2. ESPN CLASSIC: Most women hate watching most sports. Most guys like watching most sports. Most woman hate it when most guys watch most sports. Follow? However, women and men have come to friendly truces in this area. The men will watch some sports and sacrifice others while the women will either learn to enjoy some of the sports or will find other, more important things to pass that time. However, this truce becomes null and void if and when the women catch the men watching a sporting event from the past. Men call them classics while women call them old reruns. Women can understand a guy’s yearning to watch their team play in a current NFL playoff game. They cannot, however, understand why a guy would rather watch a tennis match from nearly thirty years ago rather than go shopping with them. Guys, your only hope here is that she won’t notice it’s a rerun classic. However, it’s not easy to pull this off when the guy is wearing tight shorts and using an old wooden racquet.

3. We Just Don’t Understand: Guys (well, most guys) at least have gotten the message through their heads that when a woman says no, she means no. (Those public service announcements may actually be working.) However, we are still clueless as to the more subtle messages we receive from the women in our lives. For example, we still can’t figure out when she said she really, really didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day that it meant she AT LEAST wanted chocolates, a card, and dinner out at a nice place. We also don’t understand that we are never supposed to agree with her when she says some article of clothing is not flattering on her. On a related note, never fall for the “Which one do you think looks best on me” trap if out shopping for clothes. When you say, I like the red one, what she will hear is, I think you look ugly in the black one. Similarly, even if she told you that you didn’t have to go to a family event with her, you saying: I just don’t feel like going to that get-together today – you go, is the same thing as saying, I hate everyone in your family, and I’d rather stay home and poke my own eyes out than go there.

4. The Kids Are Fine: Sometimes, a guy’s parenting style is, how should I say it…more laid back than a woman’s. This, when noticed, does not always go over well with the female. The following things could instigate disharmony in the home:

  • Letting your kid ride the bike inside the house. The woman is likely to point out that some things in the house are actually breakable and besides, those bicycle tires probably rolled through bird poop yesterday. Everyone in the house may come down with bird flu, and you won’t have that nice blue vase from her great grandma Helga to cheer you up when your sick in bed because your kid bumped into it with the Huffy while spreading disease through the carpet fibers.
  • Women don’t seem to think that Shaved Ice/Hawaiian Ice treats are a substantial dinner. (Even if it’s a cool half and half mix of black cherry and lemon sour.) Your kid will love you for this decision, but that actually just makes matters worse when your wife insists that some carrots be consumed and the kid screams, “I like Daddy better!”

5. We Don’t Care about Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte (though she is hot), Emma, Mr. Darcy or Lizzie: We don’t want to see the Sex and the CIty movie or any 4-hour documentary about the life of Jane Austen. We don’t want to read newly discovered letters from Jane Austen to her sister. We get offended when we realize our woman is not thinking of us when she buys an “I heart Mr. Big” coffee mug. We don’t get all misty-eyed and fuzzy inside whenever Colin Firth gets yet another movie role playing the same damn character. We don’t want to re-watch the DVR’d Oprah where Sarah Jessica Parker discussed fashion and the screaming audience members were given free DVD’s of the final season of the SATC tv show. Yes we can tell you who won the 1982 World Series and in how many games, but we sure as hell don’t know which season Carrie and Aidan broke up and why.

6. We Think We Know Where We’re Going: Guys don’t like to stop and look at maps or, God forbid, ask someone for directions. Never before has the saying, “Life is a journey, not a destination” been more true than when a man is trying to drive to a new place. Our sense of adventure kicks in. Sure, we’re just a guy with his wife trying to find a co-worker’s house for a dinner and game night, but we suddenly feel more like pirates traversing the open seas in search of treasure whenever we hit an unexpected “road closed” sign. While the woman would like to take the easy way out and simply pull into the Marathon station on the right, we men know that it is much more satisfying to let our sixth sense kick in and figure out the maze of little-used side streets by using wind direction, instinct, and landmarks. We know we’ll get there eventually (although we can’t promise that we won’t pass through a few extra states on the way).

7. We Look Pretty Good with Some Gray Hair and a Wrinkle or Two. Women are irate that men have a decent shot at actually getting better looking with age. Terms like wise, handsome, stately, gallant, and dignified are often used to describe older gentlemen. This is especially true in Hollywood. Men like Clint Eastwood, Robert Redford, Harrison Ford and others continue to be sex symbols, while actresses over the age of 24 may have to start settling for parts as grandmothers or wicked stepmothers. Diane Lane, however, is doing her best to change this attitude. At the risk of doing number one on this list, here is a picture: wow. (I may get away with this, as I think my wife has an innocent woman-crush on D. L.)

In the interest of fairness, I thought about posting a Robert Redford pic here, too. Then, I thought, hey – I’m doing a blog about what makes women angry. Why stick a guy pic in just to appease them?

8. Talking about how good the hot wings are at Hooters: The wings are awesome. Let’s get that out there right up front. However, spending time trying to convince your woman that the two of you should eat at Hooters because the wings are delicious is like saying strip clubs are a good place to go because they play really good dance music. (Who doesn’t find themselves tapping their fingers when You Shook Me All Night Long comes on?) Try as you might, your woman is not going to believe that you are more focused on these…

than these…

If your wife likes to blog, you might want to try my latest tactic. I’m trying to convince her we should go to Hooters so that she can write a funny blog about the experience from a woman’s point of view. Guys, keep checking her blog to see if I’m successful.

There they are. Eight ways to incite rage. Take them for what you will, but for God’s sake, don’t discount their power or consequences, or you could be looking at a long, cold few days of couch-sleeping. For those of you wondering if I wrote this big long blog just to have an excuse to post a picture of waitresses from Hooters, the answer is: Maybe.

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35 responses

7 07 2008
morethananelectrician

1. No comment. My wife could someday stumble on this comment.
2. It is so cool to be able to watch an Wild Card playoff game from 2001 and not remember which team actually won the game. The NFL Network must be included in this category.
3. Some colors or patterns are meant to make “larger” women look smaller and others are supposed to “accentuate” a womans curves. We cannot win…PERIOD!
4. Just follow it with a glass of milk…got to fortify them bones. You’ll distract her.
5. My wife never started wathcing this…thank goodness.
6. GPS’s ended this debate. We each have one. Each GPS in the family cuts disagreements by 25% each.
7. I didn’t read this one…just stopped at the picture. She makes me feel funny.
8. Never been to Hooters. (Try the Philly Steak Sandwich…I hear it is good).

7 07 2008
maleesha

That Allison is lucky to have such an enlightened husband. But you know too much. You have no excuses to be anything other than exceptional in all areas. I have been to a Hooters…they DO have delicious wings. And the experience is not nearly as painful for a woman as one might think. As a woman, you can spend most of your time enjoying the food and feeling pretty good about yourself…and make a snarky list in your head about all the reasons you don’t have to work at Hooters.

8 07 2008
Taoist Biker

I’ve honestly never been to a Hooters. Am I missing out? Even if I’m not the hugest fan of buffalo wings?

I’d add #9: Time. Are we leaving for our trip at 9, as we said the night before, or 10:30? I just like to know.

8 07 2008
Tim

This post caused significant productivity loss in our office as I had to explain to my female co-worker why I was laughing so hard.

One of the more annoying things about Hooters is to go there with the intent of watching a game. I was at the Hooters in East Hartford, CT last year, trying to watch an NBA game on the big screen, but my waitress continued to put her cleavage in my sight path.

I wanted to quote Leslie Neilsen from the “Police Squad” TV show and say, “That’s all very impressive” and then shove her out of the way. (Her tip dropped, which is NOT what she intended.)

I can see hooters any day of the week. The game is only shown live ONCE.

For some reason, my wife has never tried this tactic at home. I can’t decide if this is because she loves sports too, or if I’m just not tipping enough. – Tim

8 07 2008
Luke

If you guys go to Hooters for “research,” count me in; their wings are awesome.

8 07 2008
Sherri Cornelius

The only reason I don’t like when my husband watches sports I don’t care about is because of the length of time I have no access to the tv. While I might want to watch a half-hour home improvement show, It would be rude to force my husband to change the channel before his show is over. But his show is 4 HOURS LONG! When I’ve complained about not having the tv all day, his argument is, “I only watched 2 shows.” Totally serious.

However, I must not be a typical woman in the “Do these pants make me look fat?” department. If my husband lets me go out of the house looking huger than necessary, that’s what makes me mad. I want him to tell me the true answer to that question. I’ve actually started phrasing it, “Which of these is more flattering?” That seems to coax an answer out of him.

Congratulations on another hilarious post.

8 07 2008
Bobby

DIANE LANE is THE ultimate hottie !

8 07 2008
Allison

1. I still remember the time that I was on the stepmill and you were on a treadmill in the row in front of me. I saw an attractive readhead enter the room, and I looked at you just in time to see you following her with your eyes…heck, your whole head. Then you turned around to look at me to see if I had noticed. You were so busted.

2. It isn’t just the sports…it’s the constant phone calls from various family members to discuss a killer play that just occurred…the having to leave church early to catch the start of a football game on the radio…the constant internet research to catch up on all of your teams and which charity they support…I’m not even going to mention the “Fantasy” Football, baseball, and golf.

3. I gave up subtlety a long time ago.

4. Everybody else may think you’re joking about the bike situation, but I know that you’re not.

5. You know you want to see the Sex and the City movie.

6. You don’t need to ask for directions, because you are the Mapquest king.

7. Don’t make me hijack your page and insert a picture of Redford.

8. Look at you making a manipulative public attempt to con me into Hooters.

8 07 2008
nathaliewithanh

About a year ago, I opted for a radical approach to deal with the above-referenced eight points: I do not date anymore. Doing away with the Y chromosomes has led to peace and balance in my life, not to mention sole custody of the remote controls (all six of them.) It’s Zen yoga 24hrs a day.

Allison, next time Matt ties his shoe, whack him. If you don’t know why, he certainly will.

Also, in a spirit of compromise, may I suggest Hooters Hot Wings take-out? Bestowing your patronage upon Hooters solely for their Hot Wings seems to me tantamount to reading Playboy for the articles. That being said, I generally do not feel threatened by vulgarity and Hooters does not shine by its sophistication. Bring it on!

Matt, I’m so glad you finally decided to stay off the Classics long enough to illuminate us with your insights into the male psyche. Coupled with your wife’s remarks, they highly entertained me (especially Allison’s # 3!) It’s gonna be an interesting evening in the Licensedtoblog household…

8 07 2008
Tim

I just finished reading this to my wife, which prompted her to comment: “But you always wear slip-ons.”

Busted again. – Tim

9 07 2008
brad bobo

Thankfully, my wife loves the wings at Hooters.

10 07 2008
heather

1. If my husband DID look at other women, I wouldn’t mind. We’re all human. I look at hot men, sue me.
2. My husband is anti-sports. He hates them and so I never get subjected to them myself. It’s one of the reasons I married him.
3. He can read me like a book. I don’t even have to finish my sentences most of the time.
4. He drives past our daughter’s bus stop every morning just to make sure she didn’t get kidnapped.
5. I have never seen a single episode of Sex and the City. I like Star Trek.
6. My husband maps out any place he’s never been, makes himself a series of post its with each individual direction on each one post and is considering buying a Garmin. We own maps. He hates getting lost. It freaks him out.
7. He’s never been to Hooters. But if he wanted to go, I wouldn’t care. He’s all about good food, and he’s heard theirs is crap.

You have made me wonder if either I am not female or he is not male. I better check that out when he gets home. 😉

10 07 2008
Matt

More – interesting that you mention “Hooters” and “milk” in the same comment. Now you really better hope that neither your wife, nor any of Freud’s descendants stumble upon your comment.
Maleesha – If she goes, you can bet she’ll have her trusty blogging notebook with her and will be making a list. You can join us this weekend since you love the wings!
Tao – hmm, I can’t attest to the non-hot wing food at Hooters. Allison will be trying a grilled chicken salad and will get back to you.
Tim – Very true about the game. However, you might as well have nice scenery for commercial breaks.
Luke – You’re there…check your email for gosh sakes.
Sherri – That’s why I mostly watch my Cardinals late with DVR after Allison is off to bed. Only takes about 75 minutes that way when you skip past commercials, pitching changes, etc.
Bobby – Amen, although she’s tied with my wife for that honor, and I’m sure D.L. is not as cool.
Allison – I’m so glad the manipulative attempt worked. It will be a hoot.
Nathalie – No dating? Well then you need to come with us to Hooters this weekend as well. It would be fun to have our table outnumber the waitresses in the female quotient. So far, we have Allison, Luke’s girlfriend, Maleesha, Heather (see below), Brad’s wife (see below), and you! I’m sure you could get a good photo post out of the experience.
Brad and wife: You’re invited, then.
Heather: I’m not sure where he heard this vicious rumor about the food there, but you two come along so that you can see it’s not true! We can also vote on who is male and who is female, if you’d like. Ironically enough, this whole thing about my wife going to Hooters started with a post she did, wondering if she was more like “one of the guys” some of the time. That post is here.
http://trixfiend.wordpress.com/2008/02/05/am-i-really-a-guy/

10 07 2008
nathaliewithanh

I’d love to join you. May I wear my special “I’m contesting my property tax” outfit? Mini-skirt, wig, 4 inch stilettos, and humongous fake boobs? I pay very little tax, you know.

Of course the outfit may be a little too classy for the joint.

Will you be wearing your tracksuit?

10 07 2008
Taoist Biker

A grilled chicken salad? Well, that’s fine, but reporting it to me won’t do any good. I’d be more likely to eat the wings than a salad. 😀

Seriously, I like buffalo wings, just not enough to go out of my way for ’em. I’m likely to order a buffalo chicken sandwich on a lark once in a blue moon when I’m out someplace, but never have I uttered the phrase “Damn, I’m dyin’ for some wings, let’s go to BWW or Hooters or someplace!”

10 07 2008
Catie

It’s okay. I have a crush on Diane Lane, too.

10 07 2008
Matt

Nathalie – Interesting outfit for protesting taxes. I’ll try to get Allison to protest something by wearing the same!

Tao – I understand. They probably have a good buffalo chicken sandwich.

Catie – Apparently it’s universal!

10 07 2008
Pammy Girl

#3: oh my, you hit the nail right on the head. Not to betray my sex, but I think we look for reasons to be pissed off at men. We women are yet to pick up on the universal truth of subtle remarks: while we like them and think they’re effective, that’s NOT how men communication. It sure is fun though, isn’t it?

Don’t beat yourself up too much about sno cones for dinner. My sister feeds her kids hot dogs for breakfast. In fact, she FORGOT to feed them one night and didn’t understand why they were acting likes beasts on a trip to the grocery store. When she realized why, she told them just to pick out a candy bar. My mom always fed us more crap and junk food for meals than my dad ever did.

11 07 2008
heather

Funny wife you’ve got there. =) Maybe the Hooter’s in this area are notoriously crappy? I have never been to one either because I’ve been told the food isn’t great. However, if the place was called “Peters” then maybe I wouldn’t care about the quality of the food.

11 07 2008
adult halloween costumes

I’ve never been to a Hooters with a woman (how odd?) but I sure hope they change up the routine when a couple walks in. Flirting with the man right in front of the woman wouldn’t go over too well. However, if the waitress flirted with the lady, that might make everyone happy!

11 07 2008
Adam

Wonderful post! Absolutely hilarious!

This should be required reading in for every relationship counseling program.

P.S. The only right answer to the “which item looks best on me” question in the “clothes shopping” scenario is: “They’re both so beautiful. You should get them both.” Unfortunately, even though the relationship is happy, women catch onto this maneuver pretty quickly and will start asking which of the 8 look best… damn tricky.

14 07 2008
Dobe

Being a longtime fan of your wife’s blog, it cracks me up to read the “other side.”
It’s interesting that she never writes about your marriage, but that you do. See, now I’m gonna have to rib her about it a bit!

15 07 2008
He’s a Wing Man « That’s What She Blogged

[…] He baits me with a blog challenge to do something out of the ordinary for me…like when he recently wrote that I should write a blog about Hooters from a woman’s point of view.  I can’t resist […]

15 07 2008
alntv

This is such an awesome blog I want to repost it. However, it is all yours and I have to say but a couple things…

1. Charlotte IS hot.
2. I own a Garmin. I have no idea where I am going.
3. Diane Lane is SMOKING hot! Loved her in that Tuscan Sun movie
4. Hooters hot wings aren’t all that. And neither are the chicks that work there.

Great stuff man!

16 07 2008
romi41

“Under no circumstances do you ever look at another woman when your wife/girlfriend is pregnant, menstruating, recovering from some sort of facial surgery, or has just eaten dessert and is therefore feeling “huge” and unattractive”…..FACIAL SURGERY!?!?! You’re right, that is a BAD time to ogle at other women, hahaha….

And WHATEVER, you DO want to see Colin Firth play another one of his un-diverse roles…I LOVE HIM! *runs away in tears*…

17 07 2008
Billy

These 8 are the code all men go by. Thanks for putting them in such an articulate way.

20 07 2008
Stacey

My cousin married a former Hooters girl (that’s where he met her, of course). With any luck she thinks going to eat there is like a reunion. He does love their wings.

21 07 2008
honeywine

MUST PRINT POST and use it to wallpaper the bathroom since that’s the only place husband reads. lol

21 07 2008
WC

Great post! Any post with Diane Lane’s pic in it is a great post so that was kinda cheating. Along the theme of Valentine’s day, if you REALLY want to make a woman mad-give her a major appliance for Valentine’s day. My friend did that and now they are very happily un-married.

21 07 2008
Paperspoons

I’ve been to Hooters and, well, I wasn’t impressed to be honest. The food wasn’t all that great and my waitress was president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee! Come on! How are you going to hire a flat chested girl to work at Hooters!?!

22 07 2008
maleesha

Paperspoons…I believe that there was a lawsuit a while back about that very issue…the chain can’t discriminate based on boobage. However I think they are counting on the kind of gals that WANT to wear the “uniform.”

23 07 2008
Black Coffee & Bourbon

ESPN Classic is the best. I like watching college football games from back in the day and really getting into them. It doens’t matter if they’ve been over for 20+ years since I do not know the outcome (sometimes). Women are missing out.

11 08 2008
nathaliewithanh

I have now officially supported your cause. Enjoy 😉

http://nathaliewithanh.wordpress.com/2008/08/11/kidney-transplant-slacker-gets-wings/

Allison, I hope you’ll forgive me…

2 10 2008
Plogster » Blog Archive » When Women and Men Collide in the Workplace

[…] Guys: Top 8 Ways We Enrage Women […]

18 06 2010
Rochman

Really enjoy keeping score on the Garmin Approach G5 GPS also a very intuitive process. Play rounds where someone in group has used a rangefinder and find the Garmin to be just as accurate and much quicker to use – you just look at the screen to see the distance to the flag without having to line it up or press any buttons.The screen is easy to read in sunlight even with polarized sunglasses.

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