This Blog May Cause Headaches, Irritability and Blurred Vision

11 05 2008

Side Effects. They can be a real player hater. We Americans love our medications. Let me amend that; we love what they can do for us. Personally, I wish I could pitch all of mine right now. At the same time, I am ever grateful to science for medications that protect my transplanted kidney from my space-invaders-like immune system just looking to blast that foreign organ. (Change Space Invaders to Halo 3 if you’re under 30.)

Most of us benefit from the medications we take. For some, they are a complete necessity and practically a miracle. However, I long for that single “wonder drug” out there, just waiting to be discovered in tree sap on some uninhabited island. You know the one I’m talking about. It’s the one that would fix problem hearts, lungs, brains, kidneys and halitosis without a single, nasty side effect.

It appears that I’m suffering one such side effect right now (crazy swelling). That piqued my curiosity and put me on a search for strange side effects that other poor saps are enduring. It’s like these medications are sneaky little monsters. “Psst, hey buddy, come here. You need help with your moods? Sure I’ll help you! Oh, by the way, I just might give you abdominal pain and vomiting too. Is it a deal?”

Here are some of my favorite possible side effects so far:

  • I always adore medications that have contradictory side effects, like the ones that say they could cause drowsiness AND insomnia. Awesome! Who doesn’t want to be exhausted, yet unable to sleep?
  • There is always the old standby, “may cause anal leakage” I guess that’s better than “may completely block anus.”
  • I noticed a medication that listed “foul-smelling feces” as a side effect. First off, I assume they are talking about a more than normal foul smell, or why else would they list it. If something is going to make poop smell worse than, well, poop, you’ve got a problem. It might as well say, “Co-workers will secretly start calling you ‘stinky’ behind your back. It would be best if you never use the restroom at work or within 100 feet of family members at home. In fact, you should get an outhouse.”
  • How about high blood pressure medication that lists “erectile dysfunction” as a potential side effect? If there is a guy out there who thinks this is a fair trade to have a little lower blood pressure, I’d like to meet him. Wait, no I wouldn’t.
  • On the other hand, Viagra and some other drugs like it list potential side effects that include nasal congestion and heartburn. I’m pretty sure most guys WOULD take this trade off. Let’s call it 99% and be done with it. Unless, of course they have one of those dreaded 4-hour erections mentioned in the t.v. ads.
  • One heavily prescribed medication states that it may cause “dark urine.” I’m thinking this would only be a big deal to the few people with weird fetishes out there. They may miss the golden hue they had before. Most of us, though, who do not show off our urine frequently, could live with this one. The same drug, however, also lists “yellow” skin. This might be more a problem. I’m no doctor, but it sounds like it takes the yellow right out of your pee and puts it in your skin. That’s doesn’t sound so good. Another drug lists potential, unwanted “changes in the amount of your urine.” What do you do if you’re in the middle of an important meeting. You’re boss isn’t going to believe you if you step out to use the bathroom and you’re gone for 35 minutes.
  • “Unusual skin growths” is another not-so-pleasant sounding side effect. What are we talking here? A small mole-like thing on the back? That would be tolerable. Something that looks like a third ear hanging off the side of the face might not be so swell.
  • Some drugs list behavioral side effects. “May cause hostility” I can hear that person’s friends talking about him. “Jim has really changed. He used to just have high cholesterol, now he’s a complete $%#&^%$

Why can’t we have some fun side effects? I’d like to see:

  • May cause your skin to smell like black cherry Kool-Aid.
  • May give you the ability to see through the clothing of attractive members of the opposite sex.
  • May make you crave only a healthy, balanced diet. “Wow, this artichoke tastes just like Doritos!”
  • May add crazy muscle tone to your body. Be prepared to become a model.
  • May add at least 50 points to your I.Q.
  • May give you an innate ability to tame wild animals, including tigers, alligators and Tasmanian devils.
  • May give you a slight skin tingle “warning” five minutes before a solicitor knocks on your door.

But, no, we’re stuck with anal leakage and vomiting. It’s just not right. You know what will happen next, don’t you? Someone will find the absolute treatment to cure all cancer. The problem? It “may” also cause arm and leg amputations, intolerable buzzing/screeching in your ear, head explosions, green gaseous skin emissions that are fatal to family members, and, as one last added bonus, constipation.

I guess we just have to face it. No matter how many prescriptions we take, we certainly aren’t meant to stay on this planet forever, and if trying to do so means living with a bunch of anal-leaking, massive peeing, foul-smelling, angry insomniacs with freaky skin growths and four-hour erections, then count me out.

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19 responses

11 05 2008
ubahleeob

Oh my God, I can’t believe some of that. Laughed so hard….. Thanks for posting

12 05 2008
Peter Parkour

One of my favorites advertised on TV a while back was for allergies. The side effects included: itchy eyes, runny nose, sneezing, sore throat… Wait a minute, is this supposed to stop allergies, or cause them??? 😕

12 05 2008
Sarah

My favorite is for Restless Leg Syndrome; possible side effects are compulsive gambling and/or sexual urges.

12 05 2008
Taoist Biker

BWAHAHAHAH! I wish I had something snarky to add, but I don’t. You’ve hit the nail on the head, sir, and I bow in your general direction!

12 05 2008
bluesuit12

Holy Crap this entry was hilarious…thanks for posting!!

12 05 2008
jenefur

Allison is so lucky to be there for the extra stinky poops!

12 05 2008
Luke

HAHAHA! I like the sleep-aid medications that always list “drowsiness” as a possible side effect…duh.

12 05 2008
kimiam

lol! death is the absolute cure for cancer, now that you mention it.

12 05 2008
trishatruly

You did it again, my friend; I’m laughing so hard it scared the cat! Meanwhile check out this site:
http://www.havidol.com/index.php

It, too, made me LMFAO!

13 05 2008
jeffsher63

Oh, man, I should have read this in a few weeks; my incision hurts from laughing….

13 05 2008
Adam

This is brilliant! Thanks for posting it.

I had a friend whose anti-depressants listed “depression” as a side effect.

16 05 2008
Person(aka Mommy)

The thing is that they don’t tell you is that these ‘possible side effects’ actually have BIGGER possible side effects lurking behind them. Dark urine and yellow skin, for instance, could mean liver problems. But they’re not going to put ‘may cause liver failure’ on the side of a box very often. Much better to discuss the SYMPTOMS of liver failure that it may cause and then go from there.

Sorry to be a debbie downer–your post was really funny!

16 05 2008
pamajama

I absolutely do not want a man with freaky skin growths and a four-hour erection anywhere in my vicinity, not now, not ever.

17 05 2008
Pammy Girl

Men with extra bad smelling poop and an external erection. Sounds like some of the gangster-wanna be teenage boys at the alternative high school I used to teach. Sure do miss them.

19 05 2008
Tim

Then again, some of the side-effects can be useful… just ask Representative Patrick Kennedy. After his foray into a Capitol Hill barricade back in 2006, I came up with this:

[audio src="http://ia311514.us.archive.org/1/items/Blamebien2/Blamebien.mp3" /]

BTW, this was an absolutely hysterical post. Great job! – Tim

18 06 2008
jesseybean

Now that youve made me think of it, I am going to keep my eyes open for some good warnings, as I work in a pharmacy and have the inside scoop. My favorite stories are the stupid people who actually get the medicine and the warnings they now have to put on the bottles. (This drug is very chewy and tastes bad… Thats because it is a suppository and is suppose to go in your butt, not in your mouth.) Yeah, I will get some stories for you.

18 06 2008
jesseybean

Oh oh I just thought of the side effect of may cause suicidal thoughts. Thats on antidepressants. Yeah!

19 08 2008
Jennacide

I thought you may like this after reading your article check out the video at the end i added the link….Cheers!

Underwear goes outside the pants!

Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what’s not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we’re putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?

You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is:
people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

The schools now: It is all about self-esteem in the schools now.
Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves.
If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs?
What’s going to happen to our porno industry?
These women don’t just grown on trees.
It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks.
And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection?

Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east.
Terrorists masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just:”
“Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?”

Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time.
Do you know what the number one health risk in America is?
Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic.
An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day.
The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004.
“How’d you get through it grandpa?”
“Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.”

Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle.
I’ll sit at a drive thru.
I’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter.
Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large.
You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There’s room in the back. Take it!
Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life.
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,
“You’ll see. I’m going to take of the world of computers! I’ll show them.”

We’re in one of the richest countries in the world,
but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago.
There are homeless people everywhere.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day.
I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol.
And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on.
Why am I judging this poor bastard.
People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it.
Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit?
Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless.
I walked behind this guy the other day.
A homeless guy asked him for money.
He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don’t you go get a job you bum.
People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy.
This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants.
Outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date.
I’m predicting some problems during the interview process.
I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy.
Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books.

Love it hit the nail on the head!

19 08 2008
Jennacide

I agree with you Jessiebean I am a survivor.

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