Singular, Good – Plural, Bad

8 05 2008

Some would argue that it is a sin to do anything in excess. I don’t proclaim to know exactly where God stands on this particular issue, but it does seem clear to me that some things, while fine in moderation, become a very significant problem if overdone. All Most of us realize that eating this is a wonderful experience, while eating this could turn out very badly.

However, there are other excesses that seem to have been determined as “acceptable” by a certain percentage of our society. As much as I hate to be the party pooper, it’s time someone had the guts to write some guidelines in a blog that may be seen by as many as FIFTY, that’s right, FIFTY people. (I think that could be enough of a groundswell to literally change the world and bring some common sense to certain people.)

Everything in the following list should follow the rule: One is good, several are bad.

1. Wives. Recently, a polygamist ranch was in the news, and many children were removed from the group. Personally, I’m not sure what the sect members were thinking. I have found that having a good wife has been a great blessing in my life. She helps to keep me grounded and generally on track in my life. She has great ideas, beautiful eyes, and a sharp wit. That is all well and good. However, this does not mean a bunch of wives is even better. Huge mistake. First of all, I live in a home with no other males as it is. I have a female wife, a female daughter, and a female dog (insert your own biotch joke here). I can only imagine how little I would get to watch my beloved Cardinals if I had more than one wife wanting to watch reruns of Love Connection or discuss what Gwyneth named her baby. I also shake in my shoes when I think of what it would be like to have two (or, God forbid, three) arguments going on at once with more than one wife. One would scream, one would cry, and one would give the silent treatment (the worst!). Can’t we all just have one spouse at a time?

2. Video game systems for anyone over the age of 19. Spending hours getting arm cramps playing Space Invaders was bad enough when I was little. It worries me that so many adults (mostly guys) spend hours hunting down aliens or trying to evade the police after stealing a car. What’s scarier? One state of the art system is no longer enough. They need one for their sports games, one for their online war adventures, and one that comes with a better fake guitar. Will there be time for anyone to, oh, say, write a good novel or invent something to keep three wives happy at the same time? I worry about such things.

3. Parking/Speeding tickets. While having one of these shows that you’re not a sheep blindly following authority, having ten of these is a problem. This means you are either stupid, dangerous, a very slow learner, or all of the above. Just stop.

4. Cats. I admit it. I’m a cat person. A cat (notice no “s” on that word) can be a great and hilarious pet. However, the practice of having multiple cats, no matter how you try to defend it in a comment below, is bad…real bad. You’ll be thought of as just plain crazy, and I don’t want to hear how you figured out a good way to keep your house, landscaping, etc from stinking. Believe me, visitors can smell it. (Having exactly two cats is iffy. You might get away with this, but why take the chance?) Hey, I want all cats to have a good home as much as anyone else so let’s all get ONE, just ONE, all right?

5. Tattoos. I have none. I’m a wuss. However I acknowledge that a well-placed single tattoo CAN be attractive or tough-looking or whatever it is the person is striving for. However, when you’re talking multiple tattoos, you’re talking about giving off the wrong message to the rest of the world. No, you can’t justify it if you have “one” really big tattoo that covers like 10 square feet of your body.

6. Sports cars. Hey, if you’ve made a nice living for yourself, and you feel better about turning 50 when you have a shiny red sports car in the garage, more power to you. However, if you have one for each day of the week, get a life.

7. Baseballs/Footballs/Jerseys/other sports memorabilia displayed in your home. There is a direct correlation between the number of these items you have on the mantel and the awesomeness of your wife (or wives if you disregarded #1). The more of these “cool” items you have on display, the less likely it is you’ll get a really great wife. That woman out there you’re searching for is more likely to be impressed by a sense of humor and general kindness than a signed David Ortiz jersey hanging on your bedroom wall. (Exception: Brett Favre jerseys are considered “hot” by Wisconsin women.)

8. Playboy Magazines. If a girlfriend, parent, or coworker stumbles upon a single Playboy in your home or car, you’ve still got a shot at a plausible explanation. If they find a stash that would go for hundreds of dollars on ebay, you’ve got a problem. (This does not apply to Hustler…even one of those will kill your reputation.)

9. Squirt of perfume/cologne. One, I repeat one, let’s make this clear: One squirt of perfume or cologne can be very pleasant and sexy. Two, three, or fifteen squirts at a time makes you seem like a crazy old woman who really loves Avon or a creepy, desperate guy who hasn’t showered for a couple days.

10. Drunken college story. While one of these can be entertaining to friends and coworkers and makes you seem like a regular person, several of these stories just makes you seem a bit scary and unstable. They may still appear to be laughing at your tales, but if you listen closely, you’ll hear that it’s really frightened, pity laughter. You may have lots of these stories, but stick to just one publicly.

I leave you with this bit of wisdom from an old quotation: “I believe celibacy should be practiced in moderation.”

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13 responses

8 05 2008
Luke

Let me see where I stand on this list…

1. Wives – I’m good, as I haven’t had a single one as of yet. I’m also thinking, at my age, some may view this as abnormal.
2. Video games – I still enjoy them, although I can say I only have a single system, and I play it pretty irregularly. That coupled with the fact that it’s mostly sports games allows me to keep my man card.
3. Speeding tickets – never had 10, but have had enough that I can now teach Defensive Driving class. The lowest point: two tickets received within 5 minutes of each other. I can remember this being a strain on my plural dollars. I did learn, though – only a single ticket in the last 5 years.
4. Cats – I’ve become a dog person over the years. More than a single pet of any kind can be a strain, but with my being an animal lover, I’ve somehow ended up with 3 animals (2 dogs, 1 cat), all of whom I love dearly.
5. I have a single tattoo, so I’m good on this one. It spells “sob,” but I swear I’m not a crybaby. Which reminds me of the standard “piercings/tattoos” question that most lame surveys contain. I do remember that, for a guy, a single ear piercing was bad, while two was OK, an exception to the rule.
6. Sports cars – one car is enough for me as well, and with the way gas prices are climbing, I’ll soon be trading it in for a moped.
7. Sports stuff – I actually don’t have any displayed at the moment, but the amount of sports stuff displayed on my television negates that, along with the amount of music memorabilia in the office.
8. Playboy magazines – never got into them. I graduated straight from Sears catalogs to real women.
9. Cologne – fine on this one 99% of the time, but I admit that I’ve had to skip a shower before and take the necessary precautions to make myself presentable.
10. Drunken college story – I have a couple, none of which I’ve ever told on a regular basis (not even often enough to be on an irregular basis). I do have enough crazy stories overall, however, to make one who doesn’t know me to possibly question my sanity or be intimidated by me. And now I’ve told on myself. Forget I said anything.

Note: Plural dollars are needed to keep a good, singular wife.

8 05 2008
Matt

Luke, I wanted to get a tattoo that said, “Freaking Awesome Guy.” I didn’t have enough money so I thought about getting just the abbreviation with the first letter of each word. Maybe it’s good I chickened out.

9 05 2008
betme

Great List! Let me see how I am doing:

1. Wives ~ I am good on this one *whew* But, I am wondering how the world would be if we had multiple hubbies. Nah, that would just be a live-in Superbowl party.

2. Video Game Systems ~ We have one that is only used when my son drops in. I have the game Tetra (My fave), but have not played it in years.

3. Speeding tickets ~ For the purpose of keeping good insurance rates, I avoid this at all costs. (even if it means out-running the police and hiding out in back alleys. 😉 )

4. Cats ~ Sorry, but even one is too many for me. This comes from the memories of our childhood cat who liked to poop in the bathtub.

5. Tats ~ I have been pressured for years (by my son) to get one. He has one on each shoulder. A grim reaper on one side and a vixen-looking hottie on the other that he claims is the angel of mercy. I am glad that you opted out of the F.A.G. tat, even though it would have beeen an excellent conversation piece.

6. Sports cars ~ You only need one if it is the baby of your dreams. I am still scouting for a ’68-69 Camaro or a ’63 Vette

7. Sports stuff ~ Sorry, but I am a football junkie and we have a Chargers shrine. Lucky for me that Mr. J has the same passion.

8. Playboy ~ Mr. J and I don’t have any, but I am not opposed to them either. I hear they have great articles. 😉

9. Cologne ~ A little goes a long way. I have a co-worker who makes my eyes water if I get too close. (within 100 yards)

10. Drunken college story ~ Have I ever told you about the time I … ? hahaha, just kidding. I didn’t go to college. But, I have some great drunken highschool drop-out stories. Ok, that is not true either. But the truth is just plain boring.

And, some things are great in excess. Such as hugs and kisses and hearing your children say, “I love you.” Oh yes, and CHOCOLATE.

9 05 2008
Sarah

I’m doing okay, for the most part. Although I have more than one gaming system, tattoos and speeding tickets. Ah, oh well, nobody’s perfect. At least I can usually stop at one donut!

9 05 2008
Sherri Cornelius

You made this list from life experience, right?

9 05 2008
trishatruly

#s 1,2,3,5,7,8, and 10 I have NEVER had.. not even one! I must have led a very boring life…

Love your blog! I am so adding you to my blogroll!! I went back and checked out some of your older posts (loved the one about the expired eggs!) You cracked me up. I’ll be hanging around here lots from now on! 🙂

9 05 2008
Taoist Biker

1. NO ONE should have multiple wives. If there’s one thing you should learn sometime between middle school and middle age, it’s that women can and will close ranks and pummel you. You bet your boots that as soon as one went on a diatribe about the toilet seat being left up, you’d have a junta plotting your torment.

2. Uh, does it count if you keep the outdated ones? I don’t have multiple consoles from the same generation, but I’ve got an NES, SNES, N64, Xbox, and I’m preparing to buy an Xbox 360. And we’d have an Atari 2600 if my wife could smuggle hers from her mother’s. (In my defense, she’s more of a freak for “Let’s play the SNES Mario Kart!” kind of thing than me.)

3. I refuse to comment and thereby jinx myself.

4. Been there, done that, one is too many. More than one dog is similarly nutso, unless you’re putting together a hound pack for the local posse.

5. Uh, not guilty so far but I plan to be. And my one so far is pretty big.

6. Agreed. More than one sports car is ridiculous.

HOWEVER, if word ever gets back to my wife that someone is advocating a hard line on more than one motorcycle, [Dr. Cox]I’ll make you pay. Oh, you’ll pay. Huge.[/Cox]

7. I’ve got multiple jerseys, but most of them have my name on them.

8. The only Playboy in the house belongs to my wife. (Beyond that, let’s not get technical…)

9. How about the old “two sprays in the air and walk through it?”

10. I’ve got loads, but very few feature me as the headliner. Whew!

9 05 2008
Alyson

The only Playboy in our house belongs to me too. (It has a Bon Jovi interview in it).

10 05 2008
Stacey

But but but . . . the first cat was LONELY.

Does it help if we don’t love the second one as much?

11 05 2008
Matt

I love seeing everyone’s answers. It’s always nice to know we all have our “issues.”
Stacey, I did say that two cats are iffy. However, you haven’t crossed over into the 3-cat crazy person yet.
Sarah, good for you on the donut! For me, it’s stay away completely or I’ll want at least 3.
Allyson and Tao, it’s always good to hear about women with Playboys, but I won’t get technical either.
Betme, let me know when you find that dream sports car!
Sherri…why, of course!
Trisha, thanks for looking. I checked out your site as well…pretty cool.

12 05 2008
I have two wives! « The Taoist Biker

[…] I’m already on record on Matt’s blog as being anti-bigamy, I think I have to e-divorce my Chinese e-wife.  Can we agree on the […]

14 05 2008
Catie

I love your list! I have kind of a weakness for men with tattoos, though … even though boyfriend doesn’t have one.

28 05 2008
Dead Charming

Your list makes SO much sense…and I already broke 2, 3 and 4. And I’m not as sure about 8.

On the one hand I enjoyed Playboy in college, subscribed even…but the covers were just so hidious that you’d have to dispose of it before being “caught” with it.

Now, I am often interested in the written “content” without any of the pictorial “content” even making my radar. For whatever really depressing reason, naked college freshmen stopped being interesting about the time I realized they were younger than my little brother.

LEGALY, lusting after a woman over the age of 18 isn’t pedofilia…but I just can’t shake the icky feeling when I realize “she was born after I graduated from HIGH SCHOOL!!!”…

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