Police Putting the Kibosh on Lusty Teenagers in Thailand

16 02 2008

Thailand police planned to crack down on teen sex on Valentine’s Day. I wonder how that went? I’ve got a daughter so I’m not trying to be glib about teens having sex. However, I found the planned methods of the Thai police to curtail raging hormones a bit disturbing and humorous.

“We will send patrols to check out public parks, restaurants and shopping malls, which are the starting points for potential sexual activities that will be done at home or motels,” Bangkok police spokesman Suporn Pansuea said.

Obviously, my favorite part is that the Bangkok police spokesman has porn in his name. It’s not often that a legitimate story about police trying to stop sex has bang, kok, and porn all within four words of each other.

Once you get past that (which took my immature self a long time to do), you have to picture Valentine’s evening in Thailand. Two 17-year-olds are dressed up and out for an evening of spending their hard-earned McDonald’s paycheck at a semi-expensive restaurant (probably serving authentic Thai cuisine). The boy says something funny, and the girl giggles. Two police officers quickly descend upon the table and take the girl downtown for having a “come hither look.” The boy is forced to go home to his Playstation fantasies about Lara Croft or some other video game babe.

How about the police plan to leave all the lights on in public parks that night? I can smell a combined opossum/raccoon class action lawsuit about the detrimental effects of taking away park darkness. That had to make it tough for the little critters to ransack various garbage cans. The Thai police better hope the animals don’t have top legal representation. (Maybe PETA can step up.)

I can’t help but wonder what else the Thai police have in the works to reduce problem teen behavior. Here are five suggestions:

1. Detain any teenager who buys matches the week before New Year’s Eve. This should decrease the use of dangerous fireworks.

2. Outlaw phone use by teens on April Fool’s Day. This would, no doubt, put an end to those awful prank calls such as: Innocent answerer: “Hello?” Delinquent Caller, “Can you page Mike Hunt?”

3. Arrest any seamstresses who make prom dresses that are not extremely difficult to remove. Many a teen male may just give up if more prom dresses used combination locks instead of easy-open snaps and buttons.

4. Fire any police staff who have any of the following words in their names: “Porn, Smut, Dick, Johnson, Cooter, Harry, Bush or Tallywhacker” Can you imagine any amorous teen taking the following warning seriously? “The Thai police are dedicated to reducing dangerous teen sexual activity,” said official police spokeswoman, Smutlan Tallywhacker. (Oh, and it goes without saying that no officer should have the title of private.) They also should fire anyone with the name Wolfgang because I just don’t care for that name.

5. Put a close watch on anyone who writes blogs such as this one and immediately list them as an enemy of the state.

Good luck in your noble attempt, oh Thai police force. Keep us informed of your progress, Suporn!

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8 responses

16 02 2008
morethananelectrician

“Saltpeter Day” ! It is on my Thai calendar…not yours?

16 02 2008
pamajama

This was so very funny!

I must tell you, however, that a boy in my high school band was ACTUALLY NAMED Mike Hunt. He was quite the dweeb, and a great horn player.

And when I went on an exchange program in college to the U of O, my roommate’s last name was “Ifuku.” Since I was a total rube from Illinois, she caught me giggling over her name before we had even been properly introduced. Not a good beginning.

16 02 2008
duffboy

Tallywhacker!! Jajaja, I bet someone with a last name like that, never sleeps alone.

17 02 2008
indianamatt

Gotta love interesting names. I’m considering changing mine to something crazier.

20 02 2008
eleanorstrousers

6. Secretly replace all alcohol with Redbull to prevent teenage drunk driving. Instead of being intoxicated, they will all be extremely alert and productive.

Hope you’ve managed to stay off the state enemies list so far….

20 02 2008
indianamatt

I think my phone has been tapped. I keep hearing whispering in a foreign language…hmm. Maybe I just need a higher quality phone.

20 02 2008
Allison

We’ll have to remember all of these very practical tips in a few years for our own offspring!

22 02 2008
Kelly

The problem of unwanted teen sex does not require government interference. A properly attentive parent can prevent teen sex.

For my part, I have implanted sensor devices in my son’s penises. Whenever they get an erection, I can press a button that discharges an electric shock. So far, they quickly loose their tumescence.

I do fear that at some point they may start enjoying it. I will cross that bridge when the river floods…

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