How To Be a Terrible Emailer

11 02 2008

Just follow the simple steps below, and you’ll be well on your way to joining the ranks of awful emailers across the world! We’ve all experienced them. We’ve all been tempted to send a rage filled polite response saying, “Please don’t email me. I mean it.”

It’s very exciting when one gets their first email account with visions of love notes and fun pictures and messages from family and friends filling one’s inbox. It does not take long before one realizes that many other forms of email (and I’m not even talking about actual spam) begin trickling in and eventually clogging up space like nacho cheese in an artery.

Have you ever wanted to be the one sending these instead of receiving? Look no further. This is what you do.

1. Send A LOT (I mean try to hit all of your family, friends and coworkers at least once per week) of forwards of the following:

a) Adorable photos of kittens/and or stranger’s babies making funny faces.

b) Good luck chain emails that promise a check for $44 billion will come by mail in the next month as long as the recipient bothers sends it to all of their friends.

c) Scary warning emails that let the recipients know something extremely terrible will happen to them (like a flesh-eating disease) if they do not forward it to all of their friends. It’s nice to put a little personal note at the top saying, “I doubt this is true, but I sent it to you just in case. Keep the chain going! Oh, and how’s your family?”

2. Be EXTREMELY dramatic even in your relatively trivial emails by USING LOTS OF CAPS. Here is an example: “WOW, I can NOT BELIEVE my JERK of a boss told me I HAVE TO STAY a few minutes late TOMORROW. DO YOU THINK I SHOULD QUIT??” Everyone will understand how important this subject is to you, and they will be sure to respond in a serious and timely manner.

3. You can cuss a lot and even cuss at people as long you cutely misspell the curse word. All are sure to get a kick out of this. Plus, no one can really be angry at you for calling them an “azz.” (Related to this, if you are 18 or younger be sure you send emails that look like this: “hElLO PeoPLez. I’m DoiN’ GoOd. How ARe YouZ PeePz DoiN? ScHOol is MaD AweSoMe DiS YeAr.” Everyone really, really enjoys getting emails like this.)

4. When someone has sent you an email asking a question, wait at least two weeks before giving them a vague response. Even more importantly, make sure your email settings are such that your reply will be sent without the original email question visible. This will make for a good time when the person gets your late response that says, “Yeah, that sounds good.” They’ll be searching through their old sent messages trying to figure out just what sounds good. It’ll be just like a treasure hunt for them!

5. Send very short emails to your friends. Keep it simple. Put, “How’s it going?” This takes you only seconds while at the same time asking your friends to send a much longer, more interesting email back to you. Score! They won’t be able to just say, “Fine” because they’ll know that could sound as though they are angry or are being sarcastic. It’s a win-win for you.

6. Send emails about a funny video you saw on the internet. Talk about how hilarious it is and how the recipient would love it. Here’s the key: Don’t send the actual link. Just describe the video and say, “I think I saw it on Yahoo or something.” Everyone has spare time to go look for videos themselves so they will not mind. (I know for a fact this works as I just did it to a nephew this week.)

Bonus: Another way to be a very popular emailer is to have an email address, tell people the address, and then warn them that you “hardly ever” actually check it. This will put them in the position of wanting to email you and then second-guessing whether you’ll actually see it in the next month. This one seems to be popular with those who are 40 and older and leads to frivolity all around! They are the same ones who can’t figure out how to work their dvd players.

Happy emailing, everyone!

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9 responses

13 02 2008
Sarah

The joy of know that I have done a lot of these things just to drive people crazy, is exhilarating.

13 02 2008
Caryn

Hilarious, and so true, too! Also, make sure to send lots of religious or political e-mails to relatives and friends who have told you repeatedly that they hold fast to different beliefs and would appreciate not having to face yours every time they check their inboxes.

14 02 2008
romi41

Haha, you are diabolical with #4….deleting the original email in the “vague” reply…they should lock you up!! 😉

14 02 2008
Billy

That was really funny. I think you nailed it on the head, friend.

16 02 2008
pamajama

I was very entertained by this entry. It always amazes me when a friend lets me know that, no, she’s not as bright as I once thought, she is instead of the sort who sends out mass mailings instructing you to offend at least 12 of your closest friends.

Today I got one entitled “Are You A Racist?” that was entitled “Proud To Be White!” And how many of these things can be attributed to George Carlin, Robin Williams or Michael Richards? And now Snopes has pop-ups. Augh.

16 02 2008
duffboy

The world will be a much brighter place, once we all start becoming crappy e-mailers… NOT! (Did you notice the CAPZ?)

17 02 2008
indianamatt

Thank you! I love the responses with add-on email atrocities. Keep them coming! Pama, that’s just plain scary about the proud to be white thing.

18 02 2008
Paperspoons

Oh, man, the way these kids today write. 😛 My boyfriend has 3 teenagers and you can’t even make out a text message from them without them there to decipher it for you. Makes me feel really old and I’m 31!

18 02 2008
Allison

Ugh- These drive me absolutely batty!

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