What if Your Church Was Like High School?

25 12 2007

Remember getting your high school yearbook? We received our church directory recently, and, while it was fun to thumb through, it did not have the same impact as the day yearbooks got passed out senior year. Now that we have the church directory, what do we do with it? I think it would be interesting to handle it in a similar fashion as a yearbook.

We could go around before and after church, asking others to sign it. Now that I think of it, I just don’t know if it would be the same. What would people write? “I’m so glad we’ve gotten to know each other. Stay Sweet! Stay Christian!” How about, “You always make me laugh during sermons! Man, that preacher is boooooring sometimes. Good luck in the afterlife. LYLAB” I don’t think us guys would get the kind of comments from fellow churchgoers that we used to get from male high school buddies. I just can’t see someone at church writing, “You’re OK except for being such a douche. Your friend, (insert name here),” or the ever popular, “Hey nutbag, how about I beat your face in? Sincerely, (name).”

Also, would there be the same pressure in getting certain signatures at church? In high school (at least for guys), there was a sort of unwritten competition regarding whom you could get to sign your yearbook. We all tried to get the really pretty girls, of course. It was sort of like you got 2 points for every cheerleader…3 points for a homecoming queen…4 points for signage from any girl who had “blossomed” early in the chest department, etc. Bonus points if they signed it “Love, (name)” or drew a heart, especially if done in pink or red or purple ink. Bonus points if it said, “I really want to get to know you better.” On the other hand, you would lose points if they wrote anything remotely like, “Thanks for writing that history paper for me” or worse yet, “You didn’t go to this school all four years, did you?” (especially if you had).

I’m thinking the bonus points in the church directory would come from signatures from the attractive, well-off, BMW-driving couples who go on ski weekends. Bonus points if they write, “We should get together some time.” Points would be lost if they simply signed their names, and illegibly at that. I wonder if a church directory filled with signatures, witty comments, social invitations, and even pink hearts could possibly do some good if, on judgment day, one was considered “borderline.” Is it feasible that St. Peter could browse the directory and be swayed by something like, “Matt, you seem like a really nice guy. It’s been great having you at our church. LYLAS” (meaning: Love Ya Like a Saint)? Could this make up for a certain number of episodes of having lust in one’s heart, for example? It’s all so confusing, but not nearly as confusing as being in high school. That could be punishment enough in the afterlife…sentenced to eternity in HHS (Hell High School) repeatedly taking classes like “Advanced Impossible Calculus” with a guy named Mr. Brimstoner. Plus, I don’t even want to think about the cafeteria food at HHS. I’m guessing everything would be overcooked.




16 responses

26 12 2007

Is Jesus listed in there? I really need to get in touch with him, I “forgot” to go to his house on his birthday….

happy boxing day!

26 12 2007

Dear Matt, stay as funny as you are, and you will go far.


(I was a cheerleader. And on the homecoming court (OK, not queen), and Most Likely to Succeed. Yea, it was a million years and almost as many pounds ago, but still, I’m thinking this is a rather valuable comment.) 😉

26 12 2007

Susie, that was very valuable. I’m all red-faced and flattered. hehe.

26 12 2007

Molly, people tend to get forgetful when having a traumatic Christmas. I’d say you get a pass.
Will you sign my directory?

27 12 2007

I read through my yearbook signatures now – only 8 years later – and I cannot remember a single one of the inside jokes. Almost every signature references something that I know was hilarious then, and I can’t remember why.

27 12 2007

Jane. There is nothing quite like those high school inside jokes that seem so funny. I think it must be that we realize later what real humor is, and then we forget what was so funny about the high school things. Thanks for coming by.

28 12 2007

Hmmm…I’ll sign your church directory if you would like. I need to think of something good like “Stay Holy”. I think I’ll stay away from words like douche and nutbag!

29 12 2007

Our new directories next week. I’m totally stealing this when we hand them out. I can’t wait to start collecting signatures. I hope no one says the guy who preaches is booooooring though.

29 12 2007

Brian, do it. Let’s start a new tradition of getting directories signed. It would probably go a long way in getting more people to actually talk to each other.

30 12 2007

I went to church in DC and it really WAS like high school… they even rented a hotel ballroom one night and had a prom with an actual king and queen! Talk about barf! Let’s not forget the time they cancelled the Sunday meetings so we could have a Christmas dinner with lobster and shrimp cocktails. But my favorite was the “stealth dating.” You’re familiar with the stealth bomber and how no one could “see it”, right? Yes, well the men would go out with a girl but forbid her and all roommates from telling anyone they were dating because someone better might just come along. We called the church lobby the “work it” room. I still feel badly about myself and get the sweats when I think about my time there… and that was 9 years ago when I was in my 20s! High school sucked enough the first time around; I certainly didn’t need it when I was an adult at church. Guess someone forgot to send the memo.

31 12 2007

I really enjoyed seeing the words “douche” and “church” in the same sentence, something not everyone can pull off, unless it’s a utilitarian statement like “I need to douche before church.” I’m freaked out that you’ve put the thought of Hell High School even into my thought patterns; it may give me nightmares.

I have not read enough of your blog yet — I have to investigate and find out how you managed to marry this wife of yours, who is so unbelievably and completely sort of perfect! You must be outrageously fantastic!

I can only kiss ass in this manner, since I was not Queen of anything. I did explain sex to all the virgins in home ec class. Does that count?

Thanks for your comments on my blog:)

31 12 2007

PammyS, that’s crazy about that church. Very scary! Seems like a lot of memos are forgotten!

Pama, oh, explaining sex definitely counts for something.

31 12 2007

Regarding my wife…I just got lucky. 🙂

6 01 2008

ha ha!!! I thought about that when I got a church directory at a church I used to attend… unfortunately I probably could have applied some sort of point system to signatures I got, those were very competitive times….

6 01 2008

Genesia, It’s all about the competition!

30 04 2008

This is fabulous and so well written. Thanks for making me laugh and brightening my day. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been writing? I will definitely be back for more. Feel free to check out my site, and any feedback or thoughts on how to improve would be greatly appreciated…I’m still a blogging novice.

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