I’ve Always Suspected the Sporks

Cheap tacos are wonderful things.  Yesterday, I had the pleasure of gorging on these very entities at a Taco Bell-like place with some family members.  Due to my attempts to live past the age of 50, I have to keep this sort of eating establishment in the “not as frequent as I would like” category of my life.  (Other things that fall into this category are:  Deep dish pizza, doughnuts, Apple Jacks, bacon and egg sandwiches and ogling beautiful women…all of these are equally dangerous if not kept in moderation).  However, there are times when I need my fix of the aforementioned cheesy, spicy, beefy edibles.

It was great lunching with family, and the food was similar to that of Taco Bell’s.  However, one important ingredient was missing:  The Taco Bell sauce packets with their witty little sayings.   If you’ve ever had a Taco Bell bag in your greasy little hands, and you’re not afraid to add a little extra kick to your tacos, then you know what I’m talking about.  If you have not had this pleasure, see the picture below for an example of the sauce packets that “say something” to you.

It’s admirable that Taco Bell has added some humor into the fast food landscape.  However, I often wish they had even more sayings on their packets.  I also think they should get a little saucier, so to speak.  It is time to get this off my chest.  Here are 20 phrases that I would love to see printed on a Taco Bell sauce packet, even though I know it will never happen.

1. Not suitable for bra-stuffing, but I’m willing if you are.
2. (This would go on the “Fire” level packets only.)  You know I’m going to rip you a new one, right?
3. Hey lard-ass, stop eating here 4 times per week!
4. Warning:  Do not attach to a packet of firecrackers (unless you want to see something awesome!)
5. The guy next to you touched me in an inappropriate manner.
6. For the love of all that is sacred, don’t open me with your teeth!
7. I have to cover my piercings to work here.  Guess where they are!
8. You’re adding hot sauce to a Volcano Taco…seriously?
9. You may not want to know specifics about our secret sauce.
10. I’m thinking outside the box right now, and it’s naughty.
11. What was with that movie, WaterWorld? You have to be kidding me.
12. Glove compartment in July?  Bad idea.
13. I’m just not that into you.
14. Your parents are cousins, aren’t they?
15. How much sauce could a sloth slurp if a sloth could slurp sauce?
16. You brought her HERE for a date?  Nice going, big spender.
17. Whoa back up, buddy.  Ever heard of Listerine?
18. Haha!  5 chili cheese burritos and a DIET Pepsi.  Yeah, that makes sense!
19. Stand back – I’m packing heat, and I WILL use it.
20. Hey wussy, you look like more of a ketchup person.

I’m going to have to end this blog now, as I suddenly have a Nacho Chicken Gordita craving.

What would you like to see on a packet of sauce?