How to Scare People at Wal-Mart

7 03 2008

Those of you who come here often know that I am hobbling around with swollen legs and feet right now. Mostly, I’m stuck in the house, except for fun-filled trips to various radiology places for MRIs, CTs and other interesting initials. Basically, I’m able to make one little outing a day before feeling pretty wiped out. Yesterday, however, was a test-free day. Since a winter weather blast was soon to pummel nearly the entire Midwest, I made the decision to hit the Super Wal-Mart. We needed just a few items to tide us over, and this was the one store where I could get everything I needed in one place.

Due to my current condition and the fact I was going in the middle of the day on a work day for most people, I made the bad decision to venture out of the house in the following condition:

- I did not shave

- I made only a half-hearted attempt to fix my morning hair

- I wore my relatively out-of-style glasses instead of bothering with contacts.

- I wore a sweatshirt and sweatpants. The sweatshirt is decent. The sweatpants, however, are awful. They are very worn. They are baggy. They are the homeless-man, mentally-ill man, “Ma’am-can-you-spare-a-dollar”-man kind of sweatpants.

[My wife sketched it here.]

As if this was not bad enough, one of the few items I needed to buy was a package of small girl’s underwear. Our toddler is in the potty training phase, and we needed more.

As if this was not bad enough, you need to know that I take shopping seriously. I’m not a just-grab-what-you-need-and-throw-it-in-the-cart kind of guy. I’m married to a CPA so I compare prices, quality, etc. In addition to this, our toddler is a bit fussy about clothing. This was not a simple decision. I had to find primarily pink ones, or she might throw a fit about it. I had to weigh the options between tagless or not. I looked at the material, etc.

So, there I was, scary and all criminal-looking, in the middle of a normal work day, standing, unshaven, in the little girls’ underwear aisle, with a couple of packages in hand, studying.

After a minute or two, I began to notice mothers steering their children away from me. I decided I better just pick one before I had to have a conversation with a dreaded Wal-Mart security person. I wanted to shout, “It’s okay. I have a daughter and a job. I’m just sick.” However, I’m afraid it would have been only the last three words that would have stuck out.

I made a quicker-than-I-would-have-liked selection and got out of there.

Luckily, the other items I needed were not at all suspicious (milk, bread, etc.) Can you imagine if, by chance, we had also needed things like rope or binoculars? Yikes, I think I would have been detained.

I’ll just stay home today.





New Product in 2008 Will Stop the Stench

19 12 2007

2008 is upon us, and one thing is certain: A bunch of new stuff will be produced and placed tantalizingly in front of our advertising-saturated eyes. What cutting-edge items will we all be talking about?

-Have you tried that?

-Is it as good as they say?

-I heard they are made in China.

-I bet the price comes down after it’s out awhile.

Being an amateur prognosticator, I’ll take a stab at what we’ll be shopping for soon.

1. There will be a new OTC pill you can take that will take the stench out of bodily gaseous emissions. In fact, it will give these human emanations a pleasing aroma. It will be called “Pooty-licious” and will come in several scents, including raspberry, supersonic seaweed, carnival fried pickle, and chocolate milk. (Kudos to the marketer who convinces Beyonce – or, in a pinch, one of the other Destiny’s Child members – to be the spokesperson). The side effects for this product will be relatively “mild” and will include: Migraine headaches, back pain, discoloration of urine, voice changes, and sleeplessness. Food for thought: Would teenage boys take this product if available? Taking the horrific scent out of their “rips” would rob them of 50% of their daily entertainment (the other 50% involves nudity on the internet).

2. A new publication will help men survive the maze of digital cable and satellite television stations. It will provide much needed information to the dumber weaker sex and will be called T.V. GUIDO. Excerpt from February 14, 2008: Throw your wife a bone and agree to watch that Lifetime movie tonight about one woman’s triumphs over binge eating, prostitution, a break-up with her married boss, restless legs syndrome, dyslexia, and the sudden death of her twin sister in a horrible zoo accident involving a jaguar (sorry, not the car). Saving grace: A few decent cleavage shots of Kelly Preston (you’ll remember her from the movie, “Secret Admirer”…yeah, that one).

3. Anyone else upset that magnets won’t work on your jet setter stainless steel refrigerator? Rejoice! 2008 brings “Steel Sticks” to your favorite online retailer. For just 14.99 (plus shipping), you’ll get three (yes three!) of these nifty gadgets that stick just like a magnet to steel. Without them, you’d have to use tape, and that’s just so tacky (pun intended). Now you’ll have that grocery list, proctologist appointment reminder card, and your kid’s awful scribbles back where they belong…where everyone can see them.

4. Now this is something any God-fearing parent of a baby/toddler really needs. They’re called “Bodily Func-ometers” and are practically life savers. They are cute little stickers that you place by your baby’s belly button when you are changing a diaper, lifting your child after a bath, or any other time you are susceptible to a sudden spray of bodily wastes. The sticker will give you 5 seconds’ warning by turning either yellow, brown or green whenever your child is going to pee, poop, or throw up. This gives you just enough time to grab that diaper, blanket, towel, spouse’s favorite shirt, etc to serve as an all-important shield between you and the vile substances.

5. I know you’ll want this one. It’s an all-in-one program called “Blog-O-Matic” and will work wonders. Among other things, this little puppy will give you blog ideas daily (“Master, how about a blog involving snack cakes, astrology and seafood….you could call it, Twinkie, Twinkie, little star, how I flounder what you are.”) But wait, that’s not all. It will also repeatedly beg others to link to your page and will also visit your page numerous times when you’re not looking, thereby making you feel better about your number of hits and cutting your suicidal ideation nearly in half. Oh, and it leaves anonymous comments on your blogs involving words like, brilliant, fantastic, and genius. Now what would you pay?!








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