Swelling Update & Other Goofy Tidbits

9 02 2009
  • Swelling: It’s been a  couple of months (almost) since my trip to Mayo Clinic, and my local doctor is working with me on their recommendations.  Overall, I’ve lost about 15 of the 45 lbs of swelling that I had.  The progress has been slow and with a few ups and downs, but it’s heading in the right direction – giving me great hope.  I’m moving a little better and looking slightly less freakish, but I’m not yet at a point of being able to return to my “normal” life (which would probably still be a bit abnormal to most, but that’s a different story).   There is a very recent possibility as far as a potential cause that I discovered quite by accident.  It’s possible that another medicine that no doctor even remotely suspected could have something to do with the swelling.  This is something SO recent that I’m not going to bother going into detail here, but after a few days off of it, I’m seeing a little better progress each day.   Anyway, the news is good right now…slow, but good.
  • From Cool to Tool:  It’s funny how things can go from being “awesome” to “dorky” in a relatively short time.  Parachute pants, jeans jackets, the Men Without Hats’ tune Safety Dance and the use of “air quotes” are good examples.  To me, the Blue Tooth headset has joined this sad list.  I’m not bashing anyone who really needs to use one, and I understand they can be effective tools in some situations. However,  speaking of tools, that’s exactly what I think when I see a dude walking around outside and talking loudly with that dorky-looking thing stuck on his ear – what a tool.  I think they have gone from cutting edge, status symbol territory into something that losers THINK makes them look cool.  Who is with me on this?  I’m really curious.
  • Kid update: My three and a half year old girl, who seems to think she is about 12, continues to be the light of my life.  Sadly, she currently believes that she is the funniest person on earth whenever she inserts the word poop into a song.  Example:  Twinkle, Twinkle Little POOP! She may not have the most sophisticated style of humor yet, but she continues to amaze me in other ways.  She very much enjoyed watching Charlotte’s Web.  The ending, of course, lead to a discussion about death.  (Spoiler alert if you still do not know what happens at the end).  She asked questions about why Charlotte had to die.  We talked about living a long life and how people go to heaven.  First, she wanted to know if her dog would go to heaven.  Since everyone knows that they do, I answered in the affirmative.  She then asked if she could live with Mommy and Daddy when she goes to heaven after she gets old.  I’m not sure how her future husband might feel about this, but I answered with a firm yes once again.  She then got a sad look on her face and said, “I don’t want Mommy to die.”  I hugged her tightly and again assured her this would not happen for many, many, many years.  Before her mother could get a big head about this, my daughter quickly added that she didn’t want “Elizabeth” (a friend of hers) to die either.
  • On the “scary” front: I’m looking forward to attending a midnight premiere of the new Friday the 13th movie this week with a few other horror lovers.  I’m intrigued by the fact that it appears to be a re-imaging of certain elements from several of the first few Friday the 13th films as opposed to just the first one.  Anyone else love these old, dumb scary movies?  Also, who else has seen the reality, contest show called 13:  Fear Is Real?  It has some of the same cheesiness as other reality shows (most of which I detest), but I can’t help having a soft spot for this one.  The reason is that my nephews, friends and I made “scary tapes” as kids.  They were cassette tapes that instructed the “victims” (we took turns being victimized) what to do and where to go in the woods.  We did them at night, of course, and they actually were pretty scary some times.  Even so, it was always more fun making the tapes than doing them.  We enjoyed creating new characters and embellishing upon them in future tapes.  Some of our favorites included:  Slicer Dicer, Harry Maniac, Rickety Inflictor and Brat & Splat who were evil conjoined twins).  Well, someone with a MUCH higher budget has turned this type of idea into a reality show.  It’s fun if you like horror stuff.




Halloween Meme: Axe Me these 13 Questions

25 10 2008

Halloween is obviously the best day ever!  I can’t wait to see my three-year-old daughter running willy-nilly through our neighborhood in her cowgirl costume.  (If I’m lucky, maybe her mom will don a French Maid outfit.)  In honor of the festivities, I felt a burning desire to create a 13 question survey.  Here it is…feel free to answer it yourself if you like.  My fetching wife is doing it as well.

1.  What is the worst Halloween treat you’ve ever received while trick-or-treating?

A religious brochure addressing the evils of Halloween.  Also, homemade popcorn balls are not a good treat on this occasion.  Popcorn balls?  Seriously?  Sounds like a painful condition.

2.  What character from any horror film would you most like to play?

I’ll say Freddy Krueger because he has the best lines.  Who can forget, “I’m your boyfriend now, Nancy.”

3.  Would you rather be a zombie, alien or psycho? (Why?)

I have to choose psycho because zombies and aliens usually don’t get to carry around axes or chainsaws.

4.  How many Halloween, Friday the 13th or A Nightmare on Elm Street movies do you own on dvd combined?

Seven of them combined.  Looking forward to the Friday the 13th remake re-imaging due out Friday the 13th of February, 2009.

5.  What is the scariest movie you have ever seen?

I’m going with the original version of The Exorcist. Pretty disturbing…

Hmm, that cant be good.

"Hmm, that can't be good."

6.  Lamest Halloween costume you have seen?

I’m not going to count the t-shirt that says, “This is my costume.”  I think it has to be the kid in a weird green bug head thing.  (See my wife’s blog for the picture.)

7.  Favorite Halloween treat?

Full size Reese’s Cups.

8.  Friendly faced Jack-O-Lantern or scary one?

Scary one, please.

9.  Have you ever had nightmares about a scary movie character?

Yes, I have several times.  It has involved being chased through the woods by Jason Voorhees.  I think I usually get stuck in mud, too.

You didnt think you could get away, did you?

"You didn't think you could get away, did you?"

10.  Best thing about Halloween?

Hey, the trick-or-treaters running around is cute and great.  However, my answer here has to be the women dressed in risque costumes.  For the sake of clarity, I’ll include a picture example (not of the trick-or-treaters…we all know what that looks like.)

Would you walk the plank for me, matey?

"Would you walk the plank for me, matey?"

11.  Strangest Halloween custom you’ve heard about?

People stealing/hurting people’s black cats.  That’s just wrong.

12.  Person in your family who most likes Halloween (not counting yourself)?

I’m working on my daughter and trying to instill the same excitement about Halloween, but for now I’ll go with a nephew of mine.

13.  Are you superstitious?  If so, name at least one superstition of yours.

Not especially, but I guess I am somewhat.  I really prefer odd numbers to even ones.





Re-Imaging: The Cosmetic Surgery of Horror Films

24 07 2008

Remember when movie re-dos were called remakes? At some point, some relatively smart person in Hollywood decided that term wasn’t sexy enough to lure hoards of people to high-priced cinemas for a new version of a movie they had already seen. Hence, the term re-imaging was born. Before some nerdy film student at UCLA chides me for not pointing out the supposed difference between remaking and re-imaging, let me include the official line that re-imaging is slightly different because it means the new film has at least some variance from the original film. There I wrote it. Hollywood is saying, “This one is DIFFERENT! I Promise! Come see it…twice.”

Now, let me point out that I am also relatively smart, and I call your bluff, Hollywood (and geeky Hollywood hopefuls who go to UCLA in the hopes of meeting Reese Witherspoon or Ryan Gosling some day). Re-imaging may sound really, really cool, but IT’S STILL A REMAKE. Remakes Re-imaged films are not necessarily a bad thing, but did we really need a new term? In some cases, re-imaging is good. For example, someone needs to tell A-Rod that he is (allegedly) dating an “original” in Madonna. Apparently he is unaware of re-imaged versions, like Shakira or Carrie Underwood. Then again, maybe he prefers old classic movies like 1954′s Creature from the Black Lagoon (which is scheduled to come out as a remake in 2009).

Fine, I won’t say remakes any more. Remakes. Oops. That was the last one; I promise. On to the point.

Horror films have always held a special, albeit deranged place in my heart. I loved them during my teen years. My wife tries to pretend this is not true, but sadly, it is. Many of these films have been or are in the process of being re-imaged. My “Big Three” from that era [Halloween (1978), Friday the 13th (1980), and A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)] are no exceptions. A part of me is excited to see new life breathed into the main characters who chased me in my childhood nightmares: Michael, Jason and Freddy. I recently viewed Rob Zombie’s re-imaging of Halloween. Overall, it was fun to see a new and more in-depth take on the past of Michael Myers and why he snapped. There were definitely some scares, and it was cool that Danielle Harris was cast in it. (She was great in Halloween 4 and Halloween 5 when she was a kid and single-handedly kept them from being crappy sequels). In the end, though, the new version had just a few too many white-trash characters in it to be thoroughly enjoyable.

Word on the street (that’s my cute way of saying I surfed the internet for information as there is no real “word” on the street in my little Midwestern town that isn’t about the weather or the price of gas) is that there are talks about re-imaging A Nightmare on Elm Street. On February 13, 2009, the re-imaged Friday the 13th is scheduled to hit the theaters. Talk about pressure to finish production on time. Can you imagine if this film’s opening had to be pushed back a couple weeks? Opening on Friday the 27th of February doesn’t quite pack the same punch. Interestingly, Jared Padalecki (yes, ladies, cute little Dean from The Gilmore Girls) is in it.

After new versions of the “Big Three” come out, what’s next? Sure, they could re-image Children of the Corn and have it take place in an experimental hybrid corn field. Or, they could re-do The Lost Boys with some brand new Coreys. (I’m pretty sure they won’t be re-imaging a terrible horror film originally from Spain I saw back then with the English title Edge of the Axe. There’s 99 cents I wish I had back from the video store…ouch.)

I have a different suggestion. I think they should take non-horror films of the 80s and re-image them into new, horror versions. That way, it really would be a whole new take on a old film. Crazy, you say? Stupid? Worse idea than a Chia toupee? Ah, you lack vision. Just think of this:

Field of Screams. Yes, Field of Dreams turned into a scary movie. Instead of Shoeless Joe coming out of the corn, it would be Skinless Joe. He’d fly out of the corn (hybrid corn, of course) to haunt you and to let you know that your dead father never really loved you and always thought you were a failure. Now that would cause some nightmares. Maybe Danielle Harris could play the wife of the sap who builds the baseball field. She’s cuter than the original actress. “If you build it, they will kill.”

How about Stand By Me turning into Stabbed By Me? Who would have blamed the fat kid if he’d gone nuts after seeing the dead body? Who wouldn’t have cheered him on if he’d donned a hockey mask and killed off Corey Feldman’s character?

Did you love E.T. as a child? Well, you might have different memories after seeing E.T.T. The Extra Terrifying Terrestrial. When his fingertip lights up, you know he’s going to kill. Don’t offer him any Reese’s Pieces unless you want to end up in Resting in Pieces. Yeah, he phones home all right…to tell them to send more chainsaws.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? More like, Ferris Bueller’s Head’s Off! What would be scarier than having Ben Stein reprise his role but this time as a teacher who has been pushed too far and loses it. Picture a dark alley at night, with Ferris trapped against a brick wall. Here comes Stein’s character with an axe, dully repeating: “Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?” Scary.

They could easily turn Raising Arizona into Maiming Arizona. A clueless couple in want of a child kidnaps a baby from a family who seems a little, shall we say, weird. The couple figures that family didn’t deserve a baby anyway. The problem: This child grows horns and is the spawn of Satan himself! He’s out to find and wreak havoc in the hottest states he can find, starting with Arizona. In one memorable scene, the child is accidentally left on a highway. By the time the clueless parents realize their mistake, the kid has telekinetically blown up several semi-trucks. Yeah, I know…pretty sweet.

In a way, the idea of re-imaging can make us all a little optimistic that things can be renewed. For those of you who have been following my swelling situation, I hope to be re-imaged myself in the near future through surgery. The St. Louis doctors just may have figured this thing out. Hopefully none of the surgeons are named Voorhees, Myers or Krueger. I’ll blog it when I have some specifics. In the meantime, rent the first four Friday the 13ths (the good ones) and watch them with the lights off. I double dare you. You’ll get to see a young Kevin Bacon bite the dust.





Oops, Did We Forget to Mention…You’re Fired?

14 06 2008

There are several key ingredients for a perfect Friday the 13th. All of these were present here yesterday.

  • A severe thunderstorm with plenty of lightning – check
  • A few more medical bills arriving in the mail – check
  • Tons of major road construction combined with traffic jams near the house – check
  • Finding out from a random pharmacist that you were terminated from your job two weeks ago – check

I might have had a better day if I had been running through Camp Crystal Lake being chased by a hockey-masked guy named Jason (“It’s got a death curse!”). At least there would have been scantily-clad female camp counselors around, although they do not look quite as good when disemboweled.

The day started out pleasantly enough. I dropped the little kid off at her daycare and made my merry way to Walgreen’s for one of my routine, expensive trips through the pharmacy drive-through lane. I received the standard pharmaceutical greeting from the speaker and said something like, “I’m picking up yet another prescription for Licensed to Blog.” The drug-giver on the other side of the thick glass typed in some fun words/numbers on the keyboard, looked puzzled (never a good sign) and voiced through the crackly speaker, “Do you happen to have a new insurance card?” You can guess where it went from here. I no longer seemed to have valid insurance. The medicine would be something like four billion dollars without it.

I returned home an eternity later after encountering a sudden storm with lots of exciting lightning bolts landing nearby and crippling traffic problems on the first two routes that I tried. Eventually, I reached the vice president of my now former employer, who was absolutely mortified to find out that no one in the company had informed me that I had been terminated two weeks earlier. (I have been on FMLA due to the crazy swelling that I have boringly detailed in quite a few blogs on this site, and they decided they had waited long enough for me to get better.) I want to add here that I completely understand the termination. The doctors have not been able to pinpoint exactly when I would have been healthy enough to return to that job again. However, after almost 7 years in very good standing and a with a fine reputation in the schools and community agencies that I visited for my job, my bosses neglected to let me in on the secret firing. From what I was able to gather, neither of the primary bosses wanted to be the one to tell me, and each thought the other was doing it. Jason is more professional than that.

I am not shedding any tears over the loss of this job. There had been many recent changes far too boring to mention here, and the office had even been moved to a different town. Still, I had never been fired before in my life, and it leaves kind of a “pit in the stomach” feeling.

More importantly, I had no idea that I could have spent the last two weeks working on Cobra to keep my insurance as up-to-date as possible. (The notification is apparently “in the mail” but has not yet arrived.) So, there I was, needing one of my anti-kidney-rejection medications and scheduled to see a new specialist in St. Louis in three days without any valid insurance.

Back to the vice president. She worked her tail off yesterday afternoon to insure that I would, at least temporarily until the Cobra kicks in, be officially back on the insurance as of Monday morning so that the St. Louis appointment will not be affected and medication can be obtained without taking a 2nd mortgage. She also tried to purchase a few days’ worth of my medication for me on the company credit card. I believe there will be an angry meeting or two next week about the proper process of letting someone know they are fired.

Things would have been much clearer if I had been working for Donald Trump.

Or this guy








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