Area Restaurant Implementing Controversial Ideas in Effort to Go Green

8 03 2010

Elmer Huggest, owner of the restaurant, O’Grady’s Garden in Indiana, plans to do his part to save the planet by implementing some new policies at his eating establishment.  Some are pretty basic; others are a little more radical.

“It’s time we take a stand and do the right thing,” Huggest stated.  “There is so much food and energy waste in restaurants in this country, and I’m going to do something about it.”  Huggest, a retired gold prospector purchased the restaurant in 2005 and has been trying to come up with ideas to “go green” ever since.

O’Grady’s Garden will be closed this week as the staff makes major changes to the place.  The first work done will be to change all lighting to energy-saving flourescent bulbs.  The restaurant will also use significantly less lighting.  Huggest admits that some patrons may complain the restaurant is too dark but believes his customers will understand once they are informed of the new “green” policies. In addition, all the cooking and refrigeration appliances are being replaced with more energy-efficient models.

Other changes, however, may be more noticeable to customers.  In an effort to save paper, menus will be printed on small, playing-card sized menus.  Huggest realizes that these menus will be more difficult to read but believes this will not be a problem because a magnifying glass will be placed on every table to assist customers.

The napkins are changing as well.  Huggest proudly proclaimed, “We were fortunate enough to find a supplier in China who makes edible napkins.  They are made of some sort of plant fibers and come in two flavors:  Banana and Plum.”  This will cut down on washing costs and may also serve as a sort of replacement for dessert for our patrons.  I tried one, and they are very filling.”  Along the same lines, silverware will not necessarily be washed after each use.  “We’re going to have our staff inspect each piece of silverware when a table clears, and pieces that are deemed to be ‘not that dirty’ will simply be wiped once and placed back on the table.  This is a true ‘green’ innovation.”

Huggest also believes that restaurants waste energy in the form of heating and air conditioning.  “We’re going to go as natural as possible.  The heat will only come on if the restaurant temperature goes below 50, and the air will only be used when it’s above 85 in the dining room.  We think this can be comfortable as long as customers dress appropriately to the season.”

Servers will save paper by no longer writing down customer food orders and instead will be required to memorize them.  “We’ll probably have a few more mistakes on orders in the beginning since most of our servers are young and from the local community college,” Huggest admitted.  “I realize some of them are not the sharpest tools in the shed, but it’s all going to be worth it once they get the hang of things…eventually.”

Huggest also is removing the restaurant’s sound system meaning there will be no light music for ambiance.  He believes that is a waste of energy but has other ideas to provide a pleasant dining experience.  “My 14-year-old daughter plays the piccolo and will be available to sit in the corner and play most evenings.  Also, we’re very proud to announce that Corey Hart will play in the dining room on the first Thursday of every month.”  Corey Hart had the 1980’s hit song, “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night.”

Previously, O’Grady’s had a policy of handing out coloring paper and crayons to children diners.  This will be cut out, but children will have an opportunity to play in a large sandbox in the middle of the dining room while waiting for their food.  “I think they are going to just love that,” Huggest said.

Not all of the noticeable changes will be confined to the dining room.  Public Restroom policies are also being affected.  “The water faucets have been programmed to provide running water for only two seconds.  When it shuts off, it will not be able to be turned back on for a full minute.  We’re very proud of our efforts to cut out the unnecessary waste of water.  We also ask that our customers follow the old addage, If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.”  Huggest added that the restaurant is considering having servers check the toilets immediately after customers use them and reserve the right to evict anyone from the restaurant who flushes “only urine.”

There will also be some big changes relating to the actual food.  For example, the restaurant’s signature steaks will no longer be available “well-done.”  Huggest stated that cooking meat for an extra couple of minutes to get them “well-done” is simply a waste of electricity and will not be allowed.  “We feel that medium is plenty done enough.  People will get used to it.”

Drink spills by customers will be handled differently as well.  Servers will quickly try to “scoop” any amount of drink that can be saved back into patrons’ glasses.  There will be a “fine” added on to the bill for every ounce of drink that cannot be saved.

“Fines” will also be applied when customers do not finish all their food.  The price of the “fine” will depend on the type and amount of the food.  Huggest says a reduced “fine” will be applied when customers ask for take-home boxes for leftovers.  “It’s all well and good if they want to take leftovers home, but we can’t be sure they won’t throw the food away at home or even accidentally leave the carry-out box on top of their cars when they drive off.  Therefore, a small fine is in order.”

Huggest believes that children are the biggest wasters of food.  He is changing the kid’s meal as a result.  “The kid’s meal will now consist of a few slices of prune, one saltine cracker and a 1.5 ounce juice box whose container is made completely of recycled material.  Since the meal is a lot smaller than it used to be, customers will be happy to hear that we are reducing the price by ten cents.”

The restaurant will also attempt to reuse some food left behind on customer plates.  Huggest realizes this idea is “different” but believes it is necessary in today’s world.  “We’re going to cut out any bite marks and inspect food to see how much can be recycled.  We’ll then put it on our ‘second chance’ buffet which patrons can eat from for a reduced price.  We think we are pioneers and that many, many other restaurants will be doing this type of thing in the near future.”

When asked if this is sanitary, Huggest stated that the restaurant is committed to providing a healthy environment.  “Since we will be reusing some food, it will be necessary to take the temperature of every customer as they arrive.  Anyone with a fever will be denied entrance.  Also, our host staff will be taking a good look at every customer who is trying to come in, and only clean-looking people who look like they don’t have any diseases will be admitted.  Additionally, servers will go around the dining room and spray hefty doses of Lysol every ten minutes.  We want our customers to know we care about their good health.”

Finally, the restaurant’s popular frozen margaritas will no longer be available.  “It just wastes too much ice,” Huggest said.

Jenna McQuire, a long-time patron of O’Grady’s is not happy about this last change. “If I don’t get my Friday night mango margarita, I’m going to kill someone,” she ranted.

Customers are certainly in for some changes at the establishment.  “I think they’ll understand in the long run,” Huggest said.  “What good is a restaurant if we end up living in an post-apocalyptic world where people are beating each other with sticks trying to get at the last drops of water on earth.  Now you think about that.”





Swelling Update & Other Goofy Tidbits

9 02 2009
  • Swelling: It’s been a  couple of months (almost) since my trip to Mayo Clinic, and my local doctor is working with me on their recommendations.  Overall, I’ve lost about 15 of the 45 lbs of swelling that I had.  The progress has been slow and with a few ups and downs, but it’s heading in the right direction – giving me great hope.  I’m moving a little better and looking slightly less freakish, but I’m not yet at a point of being able to return to my “normal” life (which would probably still be a bit abnormal to most, but that’s a different story).   There is a very recent possibility as far as a potential cause that I discovered quite by accident.  It’s possible that another medicine that no doctor even remotely suspected could have something to do with the swelling.  This is something SO recent that I’m not going to bother going into detail here, but after a few days off of it, I’m seeing a little better progress each day.   Anyway, the news is good right now…slow, but good.
  • From Cool to Tool:  It’s funny how things can go from being “awesome” to “dorky” in a relatively short time.  Parachute pants, jeans jackets, the Men Without Hats’ tune Safety Dance and the use of “air quotes” are good examples.  To me, the Blue Tooth headset has joined this sad list.  I’m not bashing anyone who really needs to use one, and I understand they can be effective tools in some situations. However,  speaking of tools, that’s exactly what I think when I see a dude walking around outside and talking loudly with that dorky-looking thing stuck on his ear – what a tool.  I think they have gone from cutting edge, status symbol territory into something that losers THINK makes them look cool.  Who is with me on this?  I’m really curious.
  • Kid update: My three and a half year old girl, who seems to think she is about 12, continues to be the light of my life.  Sadly, she currently believes that she is the funniest person on earth whenever she inserts the word poop into a song.  Example:  Twinkle, Twinkle Little POOP! She may not have the most sophisticated style of humor yet, but she continues to amaze me in other ways.  She very much enjoyed watching Charlotte’s Web.  The ending, of course, lead to a discussion about death.  (Spoiler alert if you still do not know what happens at the end).  She asked questions about why Charlotte had to die.  We talked about living a long life and how people go to heaven.  First, she wanted to know if her dog would go to heaven.  Since everyone knows that they do, I answered in the affirmative.  She then asked if she could live with Mommy and Daddy when she goes to heaven after she gets old.  I’m not sure how her future husband might feel about this, but I answered with a firm yes once again.  She then got a sad look on her face and said, “I don’t want Mommy to die.”  I hugged her tightly and again assured her this would not happen for many, many, many years.  Before her mother could get a big head about this, my daughter quickly added that she didn’t want “Elizabeth” (a friend of hers) to die either.
  • On the “scary” front: I’m looking forward to attending a midnight premiere of the new Friday the 13th movie this week with a few other horror lovers.  I’m intrigued by the fact that it appears to be a re-imaging of certain elements from several of the first few Friday the 13th films as opposed to just the first one.  Anyone else love these old, dumb scary movies?  Also, who else has seen the reality, contest show called 13:  Fear Is Real?  It has some of the same cheesiness as other reality shows (most of which I detest), but I can’t help having a soft spot for this one.  The reason is that my nephews, friends and I made “scary tapes” as kids.  They were cassette tapes that instructed the “victims” (we took turns being victimized) what to do and where to go in the woods.  We did them at night, of course, and they actually were pretty scary some times.  Even so, it was always more fun making the tapes than doing them.  We enjoyed creating new characters and embellishing upon them in future tapes.  Some of our favorites included:  Slicer Dicer, Harry Maniac, Rickety Inflictor and Brat & Splat who were evil conjoined twins).  Well, someone with a MUCH higher budget has turned this type of idea into a reality show.  It’s fun if you like horror stuff.




The Twelve Questions of Christmas

11 12 2008

It’s that time of year when good cheer is spread everywhere except in packed store aisles where shoppers’ carts recklessly crash into each other while racing around in search of those hard-to-find Christmas gifts.  It follows then, that it must be time for my wife (see hers here) and me to bust out or annual Christmas meme.  Feel free to use it; we’d love to see your answers.

1. What’s the best Christmas gift you have ever received?  What’s the worst?

It’s difficult to pinpoint the best. I probably answered differently last year, but I’ll go with the electric train set I received as a child.  It was circling the Christmas tree when I woke up.

The worst I received was while working at Goodwill.  I “won” a freaking canned ham in a raffle there.  It was disgusting to look at.  I didn’t venture a taste.

2. What is your favorite Christmas movie moment?

This one:

3. What is your favorite version of a Christmas song?

I’ll Be Home for Christmas by Frank Sinatra.  My late father, who was a prisoner of war during WWII, once told me this was his favorite Christmas song (not necessarily the Sinatra version) because of his time during the war. That always stuck with me.

4. Describe an ornament that has special significance to you.

My ravishing wife gave this one to me.  The sign says, “I burn 4 U.”

5. Have you had any traumatic Christmas-related experiences?

Just the one with the aforementioned canned ham.  I swear that thing was alive.

6. What is your happiest Christmas memory?

This year, just a few days ago, when my 3-year-old daughter sat in Santa’s lap for the first time and had the biggest smile on her face.  She asked for a “Pink girl tractor” to drive. I also remember, as a small child, lying under our Christmas tree and watching the cool patterns the blinking lights made on our ceiling.

7. Favorite Christmas picture:

This one from many years ago because it shows a bunch of my family.  Most importantly, though, it shows my nephew being a HUGE baby when everyone else is having a blast.  What a tool.  See his blog here.

8. What’s on your grown up wish list (other than world peace, of course)?

Just to keep getting to be around this beauty:

9. What Christmas TV special do you look forward to all year?

The Year Without a Santa Claus because of the Heat Miser and Snow Miser.  I’m looking forward to their new special, called A Miser Brothers Christmas on ABC Family.

10. What famous person would you most like to encounter under the mistletoe?

I’ll go with Brooke Burke.

11. What’s the best thing to do in the snow?

I always thought it was cool to build a sort of igloo out of it, dig a couple of tunnels and then make my poor cat go in it with me.  I don’t have a pic of him in an igloo, but here he is in a happier place, resting on top of one of my other nephews.


12. Favorite Christmas Quote:

I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year. – Charles Dickens.







I’ve Always Suspected the Sporks

2 12 2008

Cheap tacos are wonderful things.  Yesterday, I had the pleasure of gorging on these very entities at a Taco Bell-like place with some family members.  Due to my attempts to live past the age of 50, I have to keep this sort of eating establishment in the “not as frequent as I would like” category of my life.  (Other things that fall into this category are:  Deep dish pizza, doughnuts, Apple Jacks, bacon and egg sandwiches and ogling beautiful women…all of these are equally dangerous if not kept in moderation).  However, there are times when I need my fix of the aforementioned cheesy, spicy, beefy edibles.

It was great lunching with family, and the food was similar to that of Taco Bell’s.  However, one important ingredient was missing:  The Taco Bell sauce packets with their witty little sayings.   If you’ve ever had a Taco Bell bag in your greasy little hands, and you’re not afraid to add a little extra kick to your tacos, then you know what I’m talking about.  If you have not had this pleasure, see the picture below for an example of the sauce packets that “say something” to you.

It’s admirable that Taco Bell has added some humor into the fast food landscape.  However, I often wish they had even more sayings on their packets.  I also think they should get a little saucier, so to speak.  It is time to get this off my chest.  Here are 20 phrases that I would love to see printed on a Taco Bell sauce packet, even though I know it will never happen.

  1. Not suitable for bra-stuffing, but I’m willing if you are.
  2. (This would go on the “Fire” level packets only.)  You know I’m going to rip you a new one, right?
  3. Hey lard-ass, stop eating here 4 times per week!
  4. Warning:  Do not attach to a packet of firecrackers (unless you want to see something awesome!)
  5. The guy next to you touched me in an inappropriate manner.
  6. For the love of all that is sacred, don’t open me with your teeth!
  7. I have to cover my piercings to work here.  Guess where they are!
  8. You’re adding hot sauce to a Volcano Taco…seriously?
  9. You may not want to know specifics about our secret sauce.
  10. I’m thinking outside the box right now, and it’s naughty.
  11. What was with that movie, WaterWorld? You have to be kidding me.
  12. Glove compartment in July?  Bad idea.
  13. I’m just not that into you.
  14. Your parents are cousins, aren’t they?
  15. How much sauce could a sloth slurp if a sloth could slurp sauce?
  16. You brought her HERE for a date?  Nice going, big spender.
  17. Whoa back up, buddy.  Ever heard of Listerine?
  18. Haha!  5 chili cheese burritos and a DIET Pepsi.  Yeah, that makes sense!
  19. Stand back – I’m packing heat, and I WILL use it.
  20. Hey wussy, you look like more of a ketchup person.

I’m going to have to end this blog now, as I suddenly have a Nacho Chicken Gordita craving.

What would you like to see on a packet of sauce?





Adult Film Rentals and the Perv-O-Meter

23 10 2008

Behold the Perv-O-Meter.  Every male in the world falls somewhere on this spectrum ranging from 1 (Sweet, innocent guy) to 10 (Total Perv).

As a guide to make the ratings clearer, let’s use the following celebrity examples:

Tom Hanks would be a 1.

Hugh Grant earns a 7.

Colin Farrell is an 8.

Michael Jackson is an 11.

Don’t get me wrong, number 1’s probably are not COMPLETE angels (what guy is?), but in the overall spectrum of the male species, they rate as sweet and innocent.  I’d like to think that I would be about a 3 or 4 on this meter, but I’ll leave that for others to decide.

There comes a time in a young man’s life when he takes a major step in forming his spot on this spectrum.  I’m speaking, of course, when he first goes to a video store to rent a porno an adult film.  This is probably an easy and non-embarrassing event for a guy who is an 8, 9 or 10.  It is a different matter for those of us who fall somewhere below the 5 marker.

I recall the day it happened for me.  I was 18.  A few buddies of mine were going to come over to play poker that evening, and several of us decided we should rent an adult movie from a local video store nearby.  We all wholeheartedly agreed this was a fantastic idea.  The part that was not so easy to decide was this:  Who was going to do it?

At this particular video store in the 80s, they did not have a little separate adult room for pervs men to go into and make their choices.  No, they instead had a big thick black binder with all the titles of the adult films they had to offer.  This binder was behind the counter.  So, not only did you have to get up the courage to ask for the dirty book, but you then had to peruse such titles as “Rambone” and “Star Whores” and verbally ask the clerk for the one that you wanted.  This was a double whammy of embarrassment for a 3 such as myself.

After a bit of arguing, arm-punching and wet willies, it was decided that I would be the lead guy (the asker of the dirty book) but that two of my friends would go with me to the counter and be my pervy sidekicks.  (Looking back, it seems like it should have seemed weirder to ask for a porno while flanked by two male friends than to do it by myself, but at the time I felt I needed back-up).

The evening came, and it was time to do the deed.  The three of us made our way to the store while giving high fives and doing chants to pump ourselves up.  Upon our arrival, it was time for step one.  Step one was to ensure that my female relative who worked in the store was not present that night.  A quick peek at the counter confirmed that she was not.  It was a go.  However, we did not go straight for the jugular but instead worked our way through the “normal” video sections such as Drama, Comedy and Horror.  I think we stayed away from the kids’ Disney section because it just would have seemed too sick to peruse that area and then ultimately ask for the dirty book.  As we feigned interest in VHS tapes of “Romancing the Stone” and “Footloose” while trying to work our courage into a fever pitch, I could feel a cold sweat forming on my forehead.

Finally, after we had looked at every single “normal” video in the store (except the kids’ section), the time had come.  We could not put it off any longer.  I gave the thumbs up signal and headed to the counter.  My two friends followed nervously behind.

I could feel my confidence slipping away with each slow step I took toward the guy and girl working the counter.  After what seemed like a 20-minute walk, I was finally there and the guy said, “Can I help you?”  This was good.  It would have been worse to ask the girl for the dirty book.  My confidence was regained as I asked for the book in a sort of grunt/point maneuver.  This is where it all went to hell.

First, I turned my head to find that my two friends had retreated and were heading out the door, laughing nervously.  I was on my own in this unknown land of porn.  The guy handed the book to me, and I knew I had to go through with it.  I slowly opened the book the way a treasure-hunter might unfold an ancient map.  The next step was to pick a title that wasn’t TOO embarrassing to request.  If you’ve ever seen adult film titles, then you are aware they vary greatly in the gratuitousness of their titles.  After much deliberation, I settled on “Fleshdance” which sort of just rolls off the tongue.  I requested it, and the guy looked at some magical area below the counter where the films were apparently kept.  He said things like, “Let’s see” as he looked for my request.  I started to realize after about 10 seconds that this was not working.  The guy looked perplexed and then did something horrific.  He called out loudly to the girl working at the other end of the counter.  “Hey, do you see ‘Fleshdance’ down there anywhere?”  Not only did the girl hear him, but so did anyone else shopping in the store, including those in the kid section.

At this point, I just wanted to leave, but I literally felt as though my feet were glued to the counter.  Sweat was pouring from me now.  After an eternity of looking for the tape, the girl finally located it and handed it to the guy.  I paid, and he gave the tape to me.

Things felt a little uncomfortable at the end of the transaction, to say the least.  What was the guy going to say?  Most of the things that a video clerk might normally verbalize at this point seem inappropriate to this particular situation.  For example, phrases like, “Have a good evening” or “Enjoy it” or “Thanks for coming” take on a different connotation when you’ve just rented some porn.  Luckily, I think the guy just nodded and simply said, “Thanks.”

I made my quick exit and got back to the car where I promptly chewed out my friends.  The anger did not last long as the feeling of euphoria hit me.  I was holding an adult video tape in my sweaty little hands.  I had made it out of the store with the treasure.

Whether that movie was any “good” or not, I don’t recall.  However, I knew I had moved from a 1 to about a 3 with that walk to the counter.





Fool Me Once, Shame on You; Fool Me Since 1990…

15 09 2008

Fair-weather sports fans –  I can’t stand them.  I don’t even like them when they are pulling for one of my  teams that is playing well in a particular year.(I realize using the word “my” is not really correct and just goes to show how sick sports fans can be – thinking a team is “theirs” in any capacity.)   Take this year, for instance.  There are Chicago Cubs shirts, hats, bumper stickers, eye patches and band-aids coming out of the woodwork.  I’m going to guess that some poor suckers around here decided to get a Cubs tattoo in the past couple of months.  When the Cubs fall flat in the post-season yet again, they can commiserate with the fools who got Cubs tattoos in 1984 or 2003 and are still waiting.  Personally, I can’t stand the Cubs, but I am especially annoyed by those who are suddenly Cubs fans this year now that the team is (it kills me to say it) winning.  I at least have an ounce of respect for real Cubs fans who are there year in and year out.  (Not like, but respect.)  Those people have provided some real humor to my life as they continue to believe “this is the year” every year until the Cubs blow it yet again (something that will likely occur again in the next month or so).

However, I can only laugh at them so heartily.  Why?  Because I’m just like them.  I realized it yesterday afternoon somewhere in the 3rd quarter of the Cincinnati Bengals football game I sat through despite near hurricane force wins and another pitiful performance by the team.  I have never been one of those fair-weather fans.  I stick by my (there’s that sad word again) teams no matter what.  I don’t throw away a hat or a shirt when they are losing.  I don’t lie about who I like when I talk sports with someone, no matter how embarrassing it might be to say, “I like the Bengals.”  I have been a loyal fan.

I’m not sure that can continue.  For those of you who don’t know, the Bengals were good during most of the 80s and went to two Super Bowls.  The 90s were, umm, a different story.  They stunk.  Yes, for a whole decade, they stunk.  The early part of the 2000s were similar.  Then, Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson and Marvin Lewis came along, and in 2005, they were very good.  Looking back, I almost wish that year had not happened.  It was sort of like 2003 for Chicago Cubs fans.  It was one of those so close years that convince you the team is almost there.  Things have gone down hill for the Bengals since that year.  Yesterday, I saw a team in disarray.  I saw a team that looks like it’s the worst-coached team in football.  I saw a team whose players, for the most part, look defeated and lost.  I saw a crowd that found the perfect opportunity to boo loudly when it was announced that this game was the (I think) thirty-somethingish straight sell-out.  The fans were booing the team, the owner, and I think, themselves for the product they were witnessing despite their loyal support.  They were collectively thinking, “Why are we selling this place out?”  I think that streak will be in jeopardy (but not this season because the seats are already sold).

I actually find myself considering “dropping” one of my teams until they prove they are better.  I know I have the full support of my wife, who puts professional sports right up there with laundry lint in importance.  You can bash me all you want.  However, if you do, keep in mind you are bashing someone who never, never even considered “dropping” a team in the thirty years or so that I’ve followed sports.

Steelers and Browns fans can leave comments about what a joke the Bengals are if they wish.  I want you to know, though, that it won’t affect me one bit as I could not be any lower on this team.

We’ll call this a trial separation.  You guys can keep your cool stadium and your “roar” sound effects.  I’ll keep my Bengals hat and sweatshirt just in case I need them in the future.  Show me some wins, and I’ll considere being a fair-weather fan for the first time in my life.  For now, I won’t put myself back on the market.  I’m not going to start liking the Cowboys or the Patriots.  Not yet, anyway.

Mike Brown, Marvin Lewis and the rest of the Bengals organization:  You will have to earn me back if you care.  I have a feeling that you will care if many others like me adopt the same stance.  I hope they will.

In the meantime, the only thing good about the Bengals?  Probably this.  I think the cheerleaders could beat the team in a football game right now.  I’m not kidding.





I Kissed an Earl: The Video

29 08 2008

My nephew and I couldn’t just leave well enough alone with the parody lyrics we’ve been working on.  So, we recruited our friend, Harfax to record a few of them.  He is “talented” and has been “involved” in music for many years now.  The first video is done.  Also, thanks to Dead Charming for not only tolerating the song but promoting it!  Click on the video at your own risk!





What Does Your Music Say About You and Do You Care?

21 08 2008

An iPod/mp3 survey/meme:

This week, I posted my parody lyrics for the song I Kissed a Girl called I Kissed an Earl at the risk of making people who are humor-challenged think I had kissed a man. While I have no beef with anyone (male or female) who does want to do this, I had no intention of misleading anyone into thinking that I do.

This lead to a series of thoughts about the music we like, the many varied reasons we like the music we do, and the perceptions someone else might have about the songs we choose. I did a quick survey of my mp3 player and wondered what a first time co-worker or acquaintance riding in my car would think of me depending which song on shuffle play came up first. If one were to judge me by the music I’ve put on there, I could be thought of as cool, sappy, tough, stuck in the 80s, a metal head, a nerd, a wussy or an intellectual lover of the classics (you know, like Mozart or Def Leppard). It’s a bit daunting to realize we are all a slave to the shuffle play (unless you don’t use your shuffle) when it comes to that first musical impression. So, it’s fun music survey time. Feel free to use this, and I hope others will play along nicely (or not so nicely depending on what is warranted by a particular question).

If someone new were in your car, what song on your player would you be quickest to skip out of embarrassment: While I think I have more than one song that fits this question, I think I would be quickest to skip past Windy by The Association. It’s a terribly wussified 60s love song that really should only be played if trying to seduce a female hippy (is that hippie?). Why do I have it? The “cool” answer is to say that I have it because, as a young child, I sort of inherited an old 45 record of this song from an older sibling when they moved out of the house and left it behind (probably because they were absolutely over the song). This is partly the truth, but sadly enough, I also SORT OF like the song if I’m in one of those moods. By one of those moods, I mean a running through a breezy field with a beautiful blue sky above mood. Wow, I just read that sentence and realized I must delete that song freaking immediately.

What song or songs is/are most “atypical” on your player? This has to go to Abba’s Take a Chance on Me. (Yes, I know, based on my previous answer, you’re thinking, “That’s not atypical at all for this pansy.” But, I promise, it really is.) I put this on after the brilliant use of it in “The Office” when Andy tried to woo Angela by harmonizing to the song with a friend who was on the phone. Loreena McKennitt’s The Mummer’s Dance is a close second.

What song(s) on your player turns you on? I’m going with I Want You to Want Me by Cheap Trick, probably just because of it seeming like a good “make-out” song from the past. I think Alicia Keys sounds hot on No One as does Shakira on Whenever, Wherever (probably simply because she’s Shakira). Also, since I’m actually more a rock guy than anything else, I’ll say Gasoline by Seether (that’s not really a recommendation if you’re in more of a romantic mood, but I love the sound of the song).

If you wanted to get a member of the opposite sex in the mood, what song would you program to come on when they are in the car? Easy. Ain’t that Loving You? by Lou Rawls. Very smooth (him, not me).

What is the longest song on your player? I think it’s Blackbird by Alter Bridge. I wrote more about it here.

What do you think is the silliest song on your player? Jive Talkin’ by the Bee Gees

What did you most recently add to your player? Several Katy Perry songs

What did you most recently delete? Already covered this: Windy

What is your favorite song on your player that is from a movie? Dream Warriors by Dokken (from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3) but also a couple of the instrumental songs from the miniseries John Adams by Rob Lane and Joseph Vitarelli. The songs are patriotic in nature and in the classical style. If you’re a fan of big, sweeping cinematic music, check it out.

Is there a song on your player that is only there for someone else’s benefit? I have a few for when my wife is in the car (like Jason Mraz). Also, my three year old daughter is a huge fan of a song called Spell by Marie Digby so I’ll have to leave that on there.

What song or artist do you find yourself skipping most frequently and therefore should probably delete? I think I keep skipping Billy Idol lately.

Without cheating, start your player and list the first 10 songs that come up in random play.

Fake It - Seether

The Secret of Life - Faith Hill

Nights in White Satin - Moody Blues

The Interview - AFI

Here We Are - Breaking Benjamin

Take Me Away - Avril Lavigne

Lovin’ Every Minute of It - Loverboy

Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi

Takin’ Care of Business – Bachman Turner Overdrive

SupaSaturation - Dizzy X

Let’s hear your answers! Don’t be shy. Add a question or two to your survey!





“I Kissed an Earl”

19 08 2008

Like many people, I’ve heard the song I Kissed a Girl, and I’ve seen the NBC show My Name is Earl. Like any normal person, I decided the two should be combined. So I did it – not necessarily well – but I did it.

The following lyrics should be sung to the tune of I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry, Lukasz Gottwald, Max Martin and Cathy Dennis. I apologize in advance to these writers for butchering your chart-topping song.

Please don’t steal this parody, unless you happen to be Weird Al Yankovic. If you are Weird Al, I’m a big fan and would greatly appreciate you using this song and helping me make millions (or even 10 bucks would be sweet).

For the record, I personally do not remember ever kissing anyone named Earl (male, female or hermaphrodite), although it’s not beyond reason I may have been given a peck on the cheek as an infant by my Uncle Earl.

Anyway, here are the lyrics to I Kissed an Earl:

There is this cool show on TV

It’s really funny

One actress is super hot to me

She’s Jaime Pressly

Won a trip to

The closed set

Just wanted to check her out

It’s not Ms. Pressly I met

Ended up getting thrown out

——————

I kissed an Earl and I liked it

Even though it made me feel sick

I kissed an Earl just to try it

I hope my wife doesn’t like it

It felt so weird

It felt so dumb

I think my lips went all numb

I kissed an Earl and I liked it

I liked it

——————

No I would not repeat this act

Pretend it didn’t happen

Forget he smelled of vanilla extract

Lips are still chappin’

It’s not what

Straight guys do

Not supposed to smooch Jason Lee

And guys don’t

Use the word “smooch”

What’s happened to me!?

——————-

I kissed an Earl and I liked it

Should have been Jaime’s red lips

I kissed an Earl just to try it

Can we just call it a slip?

It felt so off

It felt so strange

Don’t mean I’m totally deranged

I kissed an Earl and I liked it

I liked it.

——————

Us guys we are such homophobes

Football, fast cars, and huge ski slopes

We like when two chicks kiss and stroke

But different – with two dudes

I guess because they don’t have boobies

———————

I kissed an Earl and I liked it

But the world says I must quit

I kissed an Earl just to try it

Put that in your pan and fry it

It felt so wrong

Maybe I’m nuts

Probably shouldn’t have squeezed Earl’s butt

I kissed an Earl and I liked it

I liked it

2008 LicensedtoBlog

2008 Rickety Inflictor Productions





Re-Imaging: The Cosmetic Surgery of Horror Films

24 07 2008

Remember when movie re-dos were called remakes? At some point, some relatively smart person in Hollywood decided that term wasn’t sexy enough to lure hoards of people to high-priced cinemas for a new version of a movie they had already seen. Hence, the term re-imaging was born. Before some nerdy film student at UCLA chides me for not pointing out the supposed difference between remaking and re-imaging, let me include the official line that re-imaging is slightly different because it means the new film has at least some variance from the original film. There I wrote it. Hollywood is saying, “This one is DIFFERENT! I Promise! Come see it…twice.”

Now, let me point out that I am also relatively smart, and I call your bluff, Hollywood (and geeky Hollywood hopefuls who go to UCLA in the hopes of meeting Reese Witherspoon or Ryan Gosling some day). Re-imaging may sound really, really cool, but IT’S STILL A REMAKE. Remakes Re-imaged films are not necessarily a bad thing, but did we really need a new term? In some cases, re-imaging is good. For example, someone needs to tell A-Rod that he is (allegedly) dating an “original” in Madonna. Apparently he is unaware of re-imaged versions, like Shakira or Carrie Underwood. Then again, maybe he prefers old classic movies like 1954’s Creature from the Black Lagoon (which is scheduled to come out as a remake in 2009).

Fine, I won’t say remakes any more. Remakes. Oops. That was the last one; I promise. On to the point.

Horror films have always held a special, albeit deranged place in my heart. I loved them during my teen years. My wife tries to pretend this is not true, but sadly, it is. Many of these films have been or are in the process of being re-imaged. My “Big Three” from that era [Halloween (1978), Friday the 13th (1980), and A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)] are no exceptions. A part of me is excited to see new life breathed into the main characters who chased me in my childhood nightmares: Michael, Jason and Freddy. I recently viewed Rob Zombie’s re-imaging of Halloween. Overall, it was fun to see a new and more in-depth take on the past of Michael Myers and why he snapped. There were definitely some scares, and it was cool that Danielle Harris was cast in it. (She was great in Halloween 4 and Halloween 5 when she was a kid and single-handedly kept them from being crappy sequels). In the end, though, the new version had just a few too many white-trash characters in it to be thoroughly enjoyable.

Word on the street (that’s my cute way of saying I surfed the internet for information as there is no real “word” on the street in my little Midwestern town that isn’t about the weather or the price of gas) is that there are talks about re-imaging A Nightmare on Elm Street. On February 13, 2009, the re-imaged Friday the 13th is scheduled to hit the theaters. Talk about pressure to finish production on time. Can you imagine if this film’s opening had to be pushed back a couple weeks? Opening on Friday the 27th of February doesn’t quite pack the same punch. Interestingly, Jared Padalecki (yes, ladies, cute little Dean from The Gilmore Girls) is in it.

After new versions of the “Big Three” come out, what’s next? Sure, they could re-image Children of the Corn and have it take place in an experimental hybrid corn field. Or, they could re-do The Lost Boys with some brand new Coreys. (I’m pretty sure they won’t be re-imaging a terrible horror film originally from Spain I saw back then with the English title Edge of the Axe. There’s 99 cents I wish I had back from the video store…ouch.)

I have a different suggestion. I think they should take non-horror films of the 80s and re-image them into new, horror versions. That way, it really would be a whole new take on a old film. Crazy, you say? Stupid? Worse idea than a Chia toupee? Ah, you lack vision. Just think of this:

Field of Screams. Yes, Field of Dreams turned into a scary movie. Instead of Shoeless Joe coming out of the corn, it would be Skinless Joe. He’d fly out of the corn (hybrid corn, of course) to haunt you and to let you know that your dead father never really loved you and always thought you were a failure. Now that would cause some nightmares. Maybe Danielle Harris could play the wife of the sap who builds the baseball field. She’s cuter than the original actress. “If you build it, they will kill.”

How about Stand By Me turning into Stabbed By Me? Who would have blamed the fat kid if he’d gone nuts after seeing the dead body? Who wouldn’t have cheered him on if he’d donned a hockey mask and killed off Corey Feldman’s character?

Did you love E.T. as a child? Well, you might have different memories after seeing E.T.T. The Extra Terrifying Terrestrial. When his fingertip lights up, you know he’s going to kill. Don’t offer him any Reese’s Pieces unless you want to end up in Resting in Pieces. Yeah, he phones home all right…to tell them to send more chainsaws.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? More like, Ferris Bueller’s Head’s Off! What would be scarier than having Ben Stein reprise his role but this time as a teacher who has been pushed too far and loses it. Picture a dark alley at night, with Ferris trapped against a brick wall. Here comes Stein’s character with an axe, dully repeating: “Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?” Scary.

They could easily turn Raising Arizona into Maiming Arizona. A clueless couple in want of a child kidnaps a baby from a family who seems a little, shall we say, weird. The couple figures that family didn’t deserve a baby anyway. The problem: This child grows horns and is the spawn of Satan himself! He’s out to find and wreak havoc in the hottest states he can find, starting with Arizona. In one memorable scene, the child is accidentally left on a highway. By the time the clueless parents realize their mistake, the kid has telekinetically blown up several semi-trucks. Yeah, I know…pretty sweet.

In a way, the idea of re-imaging can make us all a little optimistic that things can be renewed. For those of you who have been following my swelling situation, I hope to be re-imaged myself in the near future through surgery. The St. Louis doctors just may have figured this thing out. Hopefully none of the surgeons are named Voorhees, Myers or Krueger. I’ll blog it when I have some specifics. In the meantime, rent the first four Friday the 13ths (the good ones) and watch them with the lights off. I double dare you. You’ll get to see a young Kevin Bacon bite the dust.








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