The following is a true story. I wish it were not, and I am risking my very manhood making it public, but it is true. When we moved into our house, we discovered it to be the shelter for a plethora of spiders. I believe this to be the result of two main factors: 1. It was a relatively new neighborhood and had previously been a field. 2. Our particular house was only about a year old when we bought it and had been vacant for a month or so due to the previous owner having to move for her job.
Many a spider had been enjoying the human-free environment, and when we moved in, it became a daily occurrence to have a standoff with one of the eight-leggers. Let me make this clear: I do not like seeing, hearing about, reading about, or having nightmares about spiders. I realize they do good things for us, such as kill unwanted pests, but I prefer they do that just outside of the house or in the crawlspace. Having said this, the majority of the spiders we came across were small and looked pretty harmless. Yeah, “most” but not “all.”
For those of you who are not aware of the wolf spider, think tarantula but smaller (not THAT much smaller, though). We had the misfortune of finding a couple of these suckers in our house the first couple of months. The story below is about the dark, early morning that we had our closest call with one of these things. (I’ll say this right now. I’m the type of person that does not really like to kill things, even flies, but…sorry PETA…I’m not letting large spiders run around in our house, nor am I likely to be able to stand trapping it and putting it outside).
My wife likes to work out. She does not often miss a day, not even on a holiday, not even when she has to get up in the extreme a.m. during the overtime hours of tax season (she’s an accountant). One dark, early morning, as I no doubt lay snoozing in bed, possibly having a dream that involved a deserted island and that main woman from Lost, I was startled awake by a frantic wife jumping into bed and yelling something about a big hairy spider on the floor of the closet. Upon gaining full comprehension, I learned that it was a wolf spider “the size of Texas” and that it was actually on top of her workout shirt, which was on the floor.
At this point, I’m thinking to myself, “That’s it. We have to move away. NOW.” It soon became clear that my beautiful wife expected me to do something about the spider. Subsequently, it became clear to her that I had no intention of going anywhere near our closet in the next 24 hours or so.
If you are a guy, or you know any guy, you’ll understand how brilliant her next move was. She calmly stated, “I can call my dad to come over and get it.” It took only seconds for the following thoughts to enter my mind: For the rest of my life, I’ll have to hear the story of how my wife had to wake her dad at 5 a.m. to come kill a spider while her husband hid under the covers. This is the dad who works a real man’s job and hunts. I’m the husband who likes to write and works in psychology. (I do play sports…I felt a real need to throw that in here).
At this point, I had no choice. I was going to have to face one of my worst fears. I slowly got up out of bed and peeked into the closet. There it was. It was big; it was gross; it was staring at me in a mocking fashion, it was basically saying, “I’m huge, and you’re a loser.” My pulse quickened, and I began to sweat. I started thinking maybe we SHOULD call her dad. Maybe we could just avoid all extended family functions in the future. No, that wouldn’t work. I knew I had to take care of the situation. With my wife clutching my back and looking over my shoulder, I picked up a shoe. I was suddenly wishing I had much bigger feet, maybe a size 50, but alas, I was stuck with a size 10. I approached the spider about as fast as a turtle approaches a rock. I walked (or was it that my wife pushed me) closer and closer. I was within a couple feet of the thing when my wife felt it prudent to scream, “It’s a wolf spider. They jump!” Adrenaline pumping, we both flew out of the closet. I nearly broke my arm on the doorway, but I didn’t care. I was sure the spider could do much worse things than that to me. Her screaming, and our running also caused the spider to take cover in the deep recesses of the closet. Once we regained the nerve to go back in, we were deeply saddened to learn that we were going to have to search for the spider.
After some tense shoe box moving, we finally found it in a corner. The whole “jumping” thing had thoroughly freaked me out, and I was no longer willing to go at the thing with a shoe. I was now armed with the extension arm of the vacuum cleaner. This way, I only had to get within a couple feet of the monster. I also was happy to avoid hearing any form of crunching sound that may have occurred if I used the shoe method. With a shaky hand, I turned on the vacuum and jabbed the extension arm toward the creature. After we sucked the thing up, (I think my wife screamed again at this point), we actually put the whole vacuum cleaner out in the garage, fearing that the thing might escape somehow. I believe it was out there for three days before I brought it back in.
So far, we have had no further (knock on wood) close encounters of the giant spider kind. I apologize in advance, but below is a picture link of one of these guys on top of someone’s hands, someone who is obviously very mentally ill.
Ugh. Glad you were okay. I don’t mind stepping on a spider as much as I mind mice. I initiate all out war against mice.
Hilarious post. I’ll have to remember the tip about the vacumn cleaner.
I once had a similar encounter with a spider and thought I would suck it up with the vacuum. I then quickly decided I didn’t like that idea very much because there was a possibility it could live through that. It was in the bathtub, so I decided I would try to force it down to drain. After successfully doing so, I let water run as hot as it would go, until there was no hot water left, as to ensure it was fully cooked and washed away. Spider stories are always great after the fact.
Michelle: Nice work.
Alyson: All out war? I need to hear more about that!
[...] my husband.) He never throws phones or leaves salsa on the floor. As an added bonus, he even handles the occasional spider situation. [...]
She played the dad card? Evil, but effective!
I’ve always been a big fan of spiders, but I do move them outside whenever I find them in the house. Snakes are my downfall. *shudder*
ACKKKK! Photo! I couldn’t tell you a damn thing about the post because I was under the desk when I saw that.
I shall have to share some of my spider stories on my blog one day. WITH NO PICTURES!
Em, yeah, sorry about the pic. Allison insisted it needed it. I’ve hardly been able to view my own blog because of it.
Jeremy: She’d have to call her dad if there was a snake. I’d be out the door.
Em, you’re safe now. I changed it to a link to a picture. I couldn’t take it anymore.
EW!!!!
Priceless! Loved the reaction!!!
I don’t consider myself “girlie” (although I live in high heels and I do wear pink sometimes) but you’ve never heard a scream until you get me near a spider. Despite this fear, I would often leaf through “The big picture book of spiders” during my lunch break when I subbed at elementary schools. I was so freaked out that I couldn’t finish my lunch.
I would have dialed the number and handed her the phone!
I am arachnophobic myself. I was even bitten by my mothers dog once after jumping up from the sofa and screaming. He jumped up right along with me and bit me in the face. But, I didn’t care, I had to get that damn spider off of me! I hate spiders! Hate them! Ugh! Sucks living sans partner in an old house too. I don’t see many but when I do the panic sets in!
P.S. I hate the crunch sound too! Ick!
Paperspoons: That sound is one of the worst. The sound of a car accident with crunching cars leaves a pit in my stomach as well. You know what would be bad? A car accident when there were several large spiders on the car’s front bumper! I’m glad your face has healed.
Pammy: Not much could deter me from my lunch, but that big book just might. I bet subbing was an interesting experience. When I get kids out of class that has a sub in it, often the sub looks a little dazed. I’m sure you handled it with flying colors, though!
The mice war just involves LOTS of traps, and special treats for the kitty if she kills one.
I need a cat that specifically hunts spiders.
Ewwww. Had a similar encounter with a (relatively) small tarantula in Oklahoma. I woke my husband up insisting there was a tarantula on the floor . . . he said, “Yeah, right.” Guess what? It was a tarantula! Disposal method: one can of ant spray and a tennis racket.
awesome story, you are a terrific writer. That would be scary to see that. lol Same encounter once bye
P.S. your awesome at writing (i know i said that already)
P.P.S crunchy sounds are nasty
[...] was over reading at Licensed to Blog and was reminded of a couple several spider [...]
okay youve got a plethora of comments, but I had to comment because i sit here at work ( a public library) laughing out loud, and then making a very skewed face, and then recounting my horrid experience with a wolfie myself!
To make a long story short, it was in my boot, I drearily pulled the boot on in the wee hours of the morning on a snowy day, took got ready, got the kids ready, drove them to school…drove home, unzipped my shoe to find the lovely creature looming at me from my ankle, yeah I freaked, threw the shoe nearly hitting my son, stripped the pants off and ran into my bedroom half naked…lol, my son was like what???? Finally picked the shoe up a couple days later to find the thing shriveled up inside, I think I scared it more!
Thanks for the gross story!
Jaime
We are always over run by Wolf Spiders and finally decided to go online and check them out and came across your blog. I have always had a fear of spiders and wasps and unfortunatly am surrounded by people who do not get this fear. I love the story and am going to e-mail it to everyone I know………
[...] acquainting myself with a latrine for the first time in my life and sharing my living quarters with wolf spiders, deer flies, mosquitos, bats, ants and the occasional [...]
If you need a support group for men icked out by spiders but shamed into “taking care” of them… I’m in.
Jumping spiders.
Squicky
But great read.
Yesterday I just about had a stroke as there was a spider… in my SHOWER!!! I wouldn’t touch the thing so I decided to throw water on it until it died a miserable death and was finally able to squish it with TP and dump in the toilet for a flushing burial.
EEK! I can so relate to this!! Hilarious story!!
We have come across brown recluses on several occasions in our house!
I’m going to have nightmares now, I can feel it!
oh come on! If you’re going to live in Oklahoma, you’re gonna see some wierd things. I live in the North Eastern side of OK, and Wolf Spiders are in about every corner of my house. I could really care less because they rarely bite, and the bites are rarely serious. I even “play” with them when I get bored. Take note that I’m only 14. Wolf spiders do jump on occasion. Out in the fields, you’ll usually see them jumping around.
Also, when I read what you said about the guy being mentally ill and you being a psychologist, I lol’ed. Picking up a spider doesn’t make you mentally ill, and maybe you were “just saying” it, but the only spiders, in Oklahoma, to actually worry about to the point of being paranoid and checking every piece of clothes would be Black Widows, Tarantulas, and the Brown Recluse. I really do hope that you get over your fear of spiders, being a psychologist, and maybe one day hold a spider in your hand. lol
I am a private pilot…single engine land…2-4 seats…and not ONCE during 14 years did I ever see a spider in our planes. God is SO GOOD! I would not have died because of a faulty plane…it would have been wreckage brought on by FRIGHT! I often wondered just HOW the NTSB would come up with a cause! LOL
I once saw a spider on the antenna of my car, parked in the garage. I could not go to sleep knowing it was there. So what did I do? I gingerly drove out around my small town
(Pop. 552), at about 50 mph. trying to BLOW him off! That didn’t work, so I drove out to the State route at 70-75 mph and stopped at the railroad tracks to check again….Nooo…still there. So I picked up HANDFULS of pea gravel and flung it across my engine’s hood…til I knocked it off. Then slowly drove home, re-parked in my garage…and went to bed…mission accomplished.
Another time, I had to get up at 3:30 am and drive to a dealership to trade cars. I was expecting to arrive 4 hours later, timed with their opening. I drove throughout the early morning and ALL I HAD TO DO, was wait for the oncoming car to clear, turn left into the dealership, and I’d drive home in my new Mustang ragtop! However, while waiting for this car…I spot movement at the top of my windscreen…ON THE INSIDE… a small spider was slowly making its way toward my driver-side door! By the time the car cleared, I was completely slumped in the driver’s seat, turning the steering wheel FROM THE BOTTOM, with my thumb and index fingers! The car was IDLING across the road, up the drive because I was afraid to reach my foot to the accelerator! Once in front of the store, I JAMMED the car in Park, opened the door, and EJECTED myself flat on my butt! I quickly got to my feet and with as much dignity as I could muster, walked in, and gave them the keys!
i have trained my son to viciously kill spiders. due to my complete fear of them. my poor husband says he can tell the size by my scream. to Larry… with you there on the car driving with spider, i ended up calling home in tears because of one blowing onto me from the dashboard ac vent, telling my husband i was going to wreck the car and die…. got home but, lost it somewhere in the car. i refused to drive it until the beast was found and killed!
Wolf spiders are not really dangerous. I live in a very rural part of NJ. Spiders were a regular in my home growing up and still are. I actually feed them. People tend to have this fear of spiders, but I dont know why. I work in a prison and found that humans are way more harmful than spiders smaller than our hands. In South Jersey the only spiders to worry about are Black Widows and Brown Recluse. Sleep Tight!